The forces responsible for hiding aliens from us have triumphed once again. We thought they were finally on the ropes after internet mavericks announced a plan to storm Area 51, gathering huge masses of truth-seekers to Naruto-run past government bullets directly into an exciting new era of human/extraterrestrial coexistence. We thought it would work, even as alien whistleblower Bob Lazar (clearly compromised by the Men In Black) called the public invasion “not the way to go about trying to get information.” But now, despite overcoming such adversity and showing such ingenuity, the bastards have defeated the public for a final time.
Their tool? A permit holder whose interference in the planning process has caused the event organizers to withdraw in fear of causing, in their own words, “Fyre Fest 2.0.”
The world was set to be changed forevermore from September 19 to 22 when Matty Roberts, creator of the “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop Us All” Facebook event, decided to organize his ramshackle army into a festival held at Rachel, Nevada called, obviously, AlienStock. As Vice’s MJ Banias reported a few weeks ago, the whole thing seemed like a complete shitshow with hazy planning meant to accommodate thousands of attendees staying outside of a tiny desert town.
Now, with the highest echelons of the American government seizing on this instability, AlienStock has been canceled outright. The event’s website states: “Due to the lack of infrastructure, poor planning, risk management, and blatant disregard for the safety of the expected 10,000+ AlienStock attendees, we decided to pull the plug on the festival.”
The notice goes on to cite issues with a permit holder (who must be a sleeper agent of the MIB) failing to provide appropriate planning documentation and concerns that going forward with the original festival could result in “a possible humanitarian disaster.”
“We are not interested in, nor will we tolerate any involvement in a Fyre Fest 2.0,” the statement continues. “[AlienStock] can only promise absolute safety and peace, and we need to move the Festival to guarantee that.” Accordingly, the whole thing’s been shifted to a September 19th party at the Downtown Las Vegas Events Center. It promises “EDM artists and some unique art.”
While this all makes sense on the surface, we can’t help but wonder at what point the G-Men got to AlienStock. The move from a haphazard festival to a centralized Las Vegas party is obviously meant to contain the public’s desire for the truth. No aliens will be found in a major metropolis. No ninja-running will unseal the world’s greatest secrets. The government has effectively weaponized permit issues to contain their hidden extraterrestrials a while longer. By doing so, they’ve raised the specter of Fyre Festival, an event that (temporarily, at least) has sunk the seemingly unsinkable Ja Rule and spawned two schadenfreude-filled documentaries. The Men In Black know the power of invoking Fyre and, by manipulating the powers of small town bureaucracy, have thwarted what seemed like a master plan.
Keep waiting a little longer, aliens. We’ll figure out another way to get you out soon.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to email@example.com