The Bronx Zoo’s Name-a-Roach program has been around for a few years, but there’s something about 2017—whatever could it possibly be, we wonder?—that has us feeling more spiteful than usual. And what better way to say to that special shithead in your life, “scatter, bitch, the kitchen light just turned on” than to name a Madagascar hissing cockroach in their honor?
As usual, this pettiest of gestures can be yours starting at just $10, or the price of a drink at a nice cocktail bar over which you could complain about this particularly onerous ex/roommate/member of the executive branch. This year, however, there are two new sponsorship levels: For $35, you can get either a plush cockroach or a box of chocolates to send to your “friend” along with the digital certificate announcing that a Madagascar hissing cockroach has been named after them. For $50, you can get both, keep the chocolates for yourself, and send the stuffed roach to your hated one.
Proceeds from the Name-a-Roach program go towards supporting the Wildlife Conservation Society’s efforts to save wildlife and wild places, adding just that little extra touch of contempt if you happen to be naming your cockroach after any of the assorted science haters currently occupying the White House.