Stealing a breath of freedom in the dead winter air that was allowed them, The People gathered to join their voices into one prolonged scream—to take the expensive bootheel of the industry from off their neck, to revolt against the all-powerful fascism of professional critics, and exercise at last their People’s Choice to give The Big Bang Theory awards. Blood flowed, as did the platitudes. These awards meant the most because they came from The People, the honorees said, and for a moment the rabble was quelled. The delicate balance between the privileged few and the throng whose fealty feeds them was restored. Robert Downey Jr. smiled and looked like he was happy to be among them. He’s so down to Earth, The People thought. He’s one of us.

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The People, unshackled from the oppression of what The Professional thinks, were free to overthrow the acting dynasty of Meryl Streep, crowning Chloe Moretz as the Best Dramatic Actress for whatever it was that she did dramatically, like that movie where she was sick maybe. Let The Professional debate the merits of Boyhood vs. Birdman, The People said. The People’s Choice for Best Movie was culled from a bevy of comic-book franchises and comedy sequels—and still they chose Maleficent, so unburdened are they by supposed conventional wisdom.

Pretty Little Liars is the best drama on cable!” The People further proclaimed, leaving True Detective to lick its wounds alongside Sons Of Anarchy, Bates Motel, and Rizzoli & Isles—all equals here, all equally lesser. Over the course of the night, The Big Bang Theory was awarded Best Cultural Pinnacle, Beloved By All, Scorned By None, Wanting For Naught. Somebody also watched Melissa & Joey and declared they’d never laughed quite so heartily. It was decreed that Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air.

Jennifer Lawrence, Matt Bomer, and Taylor Swift were all deemed very popular and pretty.

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Co-hosts Allison Janney and Anna Faris read some jokes from the teleprompter and were also in a TV show on CBS, so that worked out great for everyone. Fall Out Boy, Lady Antebellum, and Iggy Azalea performed selections from their new album, Songs Heard In The Background Of Planet Fitness. By an amazing coincidence, Lady Antebellum and Iggy Azalea also won awards.

In the moment that the Internet simply could not stop talking about, Chris Evans escorted Betty White up the stairs and then cleaned her gutters and courted her granddaughter and called on her frequently just to make sure that her heater was still working, because he knows how it goes out sometimes. He held her hand and listened to her stories about the 1950s, never once feigning interest.

Coffee was named Best Hot Beverage. Beds were named Best Place To Sleep When You’re Tired.

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Dogs were named Best Friend. Pizza was named Best Italy. Water was named Best Water.

Adam Sandler won something for existing and asked his wife to blow him on television.

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Their choices made, their decisions counted, The People returned to their lives briefly mollified, knowing that for once their cries of “Popular and pretty things are good!” had been heard outside the marginalia of the box office, Nielsen ratings, social media, celebrity magazines, late-night talk shows, and their everyday conversations with friends and family. The People’s list of Ninety-Five Choices On The Power And Efficacy Of Things That Are Attractive And Awesome would soon be nailed to the door of the Castle Church of Critics, who would be forced to read it and agree that those are things that exist, all right. Look upon them now, the victors’ names in bold.

Favorite Movie:
Maleficent
22 Jump Street
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Guardians Of The Galaxy
X-Men: Days Of Future Past

Favorite Movie Actor
Robert Downey Jr.
Brad Pitt
Channing Tatum
Hugh Jackman
Mark Wahlberg

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Favorite Movie Actress
Jennifer Lawrence
Angelina Jolie
Emma Stone
Melissa McCarthy
Scarlett Johansson

Favorite Movie Duo
Shailene Woodley & Theo James (Divergent)
Andrew Garfield & Emma Stone (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)
Chris Evans & Scarlett Johansson (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)
Jonah Hill & Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street)
Shailene Woodley & Ansel Elgort (The Fault In Our Stars)

Favorite Action Movie
Divergent
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Guardians Of The Galaxy
X-Men: Days Of Future Past

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Favorite Action Movie Actor
Chris Evans
Denzel Washington
Hugh Jackman
Liam Neeson
Mark Wahlberg

Favorite Action Movie Actress
Jennifer Lawrence
Angelina Jolie
Scarlett Johansson
Shailene Woodley
Zoe Saldana

Favorite Comedic Movie
22 Jump Street
Blended
Let’s Be Cops
Neighbors
The Other Woman

Favorite Comedic Movie Actor
Adam Sandler
Channing Tatum
Jonah Hill
Seth Rogen
Zac Efron

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Favorite Comedic Movie Actress
Melissa McCarthy
Cameron Diaz
Charlize Theron
Drew Barrymore
Tina Fey

Favorite Dramatic Movie
The Fault In Our Stars
The Giver
Heaven Is For Real
If I Stay
Noah

Favorite Dramatic Movie Actor
Robert Downey Jr.
Ben Affleck
Brad Pitt
George Clooney
Matt Damon

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Favorite Dramatic Movie Actress
Chloë Grace Moretz
Emma Stone
Meryl Streep
Reese Witherspoon
Shailene Woodley

Favorite Family Movie
Maleficent
Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
How To Train Your Dragon 2
The LEGO Movie
Rio 2

Favorite Thriller Movie
Gone Girl
Annabelle
Dracula Untold
The Equalizer
The Purge: Anarchy

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Favorite TV Show
The Big Bang Theory
Game Of Thrones
NCIS
Once Upon A Time
The Walking Dead

Favorite Network TV Comedy
The Big Bang Theory
2 Broke Girls
Modern Family
Mom
New Girl

Favorite Comedic TV Actor
Chris Colfer
Ashton Kutcher
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Jim Parsons
Ty Burrell

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Favorite Comedic TV Actress
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting
Amy Poehler
Melissa McCarthy
Sofia Vergara
Zooey Deschanel

Favorite Network TV Drama
Grey’s Anatomy
Chicago Fire
Downton Abbey
Revenge
Scandal

Favorite Dramatic TV Actor
Patrick Dempsey
Dax Shephard
Jesse Williams
Justin Chambers
Taylor Kinney

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Favorite Dramatic TV Actress
Ellen Pompeo
Alyssa Milano
Emily VanCamp
Hayden Panettiere
Kerry Washington

Favorite Cable TV Comedy
Melissa & Joey
Baby Daddy
Cougar Town
Faking It
Young & Hungry

Favorite Cable TV Drama
Pretty Little Liars
Bates Motel
Rizzoli & Isles
Sons Of Anarchy
True Detective

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Favorite Cable TV Actor
Matt Bomer
Charlie Hunnam
Eric Dane
Sean Bean
William H. Macy

Favorite Cable TV Actress
Angie Harmon
Ashley Benson
Courteney Cox
Kristen Bell
Lucy Hale

Favorite TV Crime Drama
Castle
Bones
Criminal Minds
The Mentalist
NCIS

Favorite Crime Drama TV Actor
Nathan Fillion
David Boreanaz
Kevin Bacon
Shemar Moore
Simon Baker

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Favorite Crime Drama TV Actress
Stana Katic
Emily Deschanel
Lucy Liu
Mariska Hargitay
Robin Tunney

Favorite Network Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Show
Beauty And The Beast
Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Once Upon A Time
Supernatural
The Vampire Diaries

Favorite Cable Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Show
Outlander
American Horror Story
Doctor Who
Game Of Thrones
The Walking Dead

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Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actor
Misha Collins
Ian Somerhalder
Jared Padalecki
Jensen Ackles
Paul Wesley

Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actress
Kristin Kreuk
Ginnifer Goodwin
Jennifer Morrison
Jessica Lange
Nina Dobrev

Favorite Competition TV Show
The Voice
America’s Got Talent
Dancing With The Stars
Hell’s Kitchen
MasterChef

Favorite Daytime TV Host(s)
Ellen DeGeneres
Kelly Ripa & Michael Strahan
Queen Latifah
Rachael Ray
Steve Harvey

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Favorite Late Night Talk Show Host
Jimmy Fallon
Conan O’Brien
Craig Ferguson
David Letterman
Jimmy Kimmel

Favorite Dramedy
Orange Is The New Black
Awkward.
Shameless
Suits
White Collar

Favorite TV Icon
Betty White
Katey Sagal
Mark Harmon
Tim Allen
Tom Selleck

Favorite TV Duo
Nina Dobrev & Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries)
David Boreanaz & Emily Deschanel (Bones)
Ginnifer Goodwin & Josh Dallas (Once Upon a Time)
Jared Padalecki & Jensen Ackles (Supernatural)
Nathan Fillion & Stana Katic (Castle)

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Favorite TV Character We Miss Most
Dr. Cristina Yang played by Sandra Oh (Grey’s Anatomy)
Dr. Lance Sweets played by John Francis Daley (Bones)
Hershel Greene played by Scott Wilson (The Walking Dead)
Leslie Shay played by Lauren German (Chicago Fire)
Neal Cassidy played by Michael Raymond-James (Once Upon A Time)

Favorite Actor In A New TV Series
David Tennant
Ben McKenzie
Dylan McDermott
Laurence Fishburne
Scott Bakula

Favorite Actress In A New TV Series
Viola Davis
Debra Messing
Jada Pinkett Smith
Octavia Spencer
Téa Leoni

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Favorite Sketch Comedy TV Show
Saturday Night Live
Drunk History
Inside Amy Schumer
Key & Peele
Kroll Show

Favorite Animated TV Show
The Simpsons
American Dad
Bob’s Burger
Family Guy
South Park

Favorite New TV Comedy
Jane The Virgin
black-ish
Cristela
Marry Me
The McCarthys

Favorite New TV Drama
The Flash
Constantine
Forever
Gotham
How To Get Away With Murder

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Favorite Male Artist
Ed Sheeran
Blake Shelton
John Legend
Pharrell Williams
Sam Smith

Favorite Female Artist
Taylor Swift
Beyoncé
Iggy Azalea
Katy Perry
Sia

Favorite Group
Maroon 5
Coldplay
Imagine Dragons
One Direction
OneRepublic

Favorite Breakout Artist
5 Seconds Of Summer
Charli XCX
Fifth Harmony
Meghan Trainor
Sam Smith

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Favorite Male Country Artist
Hunter Hayes
Blake Shelton
Brad Paisley
Luke Bryan
Tim McGraw

Favorite Female Country Artist
Carrie Underwood
Dolly Parton
Faith Hill
Lucy Hale
Miranda Lambert

Favorite Country Group
Lady Antebellum
The Band Perry
Florida Georgia Line
Rascal Flatts
Zac Brown Band

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Favorite Pop Artist
Taylor Swift
Beyoncé
Jennifer Lopez
Jessie J
Sia

Favorite Hip-Hop Artist
Iggy Azalea
Drake
Jay Z
Nicki Manaj
T.I.

Favorite R&B Artist
Pharrell Williams
Chris Brown
Jennifer Hudson
John Legend
Usher

Favorite Album
X by Ed Sheeran
G I R L by Pharrell Williams
Ghost Stories by Coldplay
In The Lonely Hour by Sam Smith
My Everything by Ariana Grande

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Favorite Song
“Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift
“All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor
“Bang Bang” by Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj
“Maps” by Maroon 5
“Stay With Me” by Sam Smith