Good afternoon, boils and ghouls! It’s your pal the Cryptkeeper, here to bury your concerns that your slay-vorite horror host won’t be back to punctuate each episode of the revived Tales From The Crypt with my bloodcurdling wordplay! Well, you can take it straight from the horror-se’s mouth, kiddies: This BOO-mor is about as reliable as my first wife…and equally as rotten! Hahahahaha!
[Pan back to reveal the Cryptkeeper, dressed in clergy robes, standing next to a rotting corpse in a bridal gown. He picks up her skeletal hand to kiss it, and her arm falls off. He tosses it aside.]
Why, without yours BOOly, Tales From The Crypt is nothing more than some third-rate horror anthology scare-ies like The Sigh-light Groan or Snails From The Dark-Died! My executive pro-BOO-cer M. Night Shyamalan admitted as much during a panel at WonderCon last weekend, where he said “there will” be a Cryptkeeper on his version of my show, and that the series will follow the classic episodic format! He would have said more, but I made him sign a…GAG order!
[The camera pulls back further to reveal The Visit director M. Night Shyamalan, gagged and tied to a pole in the Cryptkeeper’s dank lair. The Cryptkeeper approaches, leading the corpse bride by her remaining hand. Spiders pouring from his desiccated mouth as he clears his throat, the Cryptkeeper picks up a dusty tome titled Holy Die-ble and begins to speak.]
Fear-ly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this BOO-man in unholy matri-bony…
[He turns to camera.]
There’s no stopping BOO love, kiddies! See you on TNT this fall! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!