Jennifer Lopez and Channing Tatum

It’s not officially the MTV Movie Awards until a funny person kicks things off with an opening bit that the rest of the show will then fail to live up to. That was the case last night, as Amy Schumer made some good jokes, followed by awards that have roughly the same relation to actual awards that Geico commercials have to the short films of Maya Deren. So even though we all no doubt tuned in and watched the whole thing, breathlessly awaiting the results of the award for Best Shirtless Performance (Zac Efron, obvs), here are the results of the ceremony.

Amy Schumer pulls a Billy Crystal

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Relying on the time-tested comedic virtue of digitally inserting yourself into this year’s crop of nominees, host Amy Schumer followed in the noble path of Billy Crystal with a pre-recorded opening bit in which she references everything from Whiplash to Pitch Perfect 2, which isn’t even out yet but is a thing young people are familiar with, so there you go. It’s pretty much what you’d expect, except with slightly fewer vagina references than you might think. (Four? We stopped counting.)

If you only watch one clip of the show—which, let’s be honest, even that might be asking too much of you—you’ll probably want to make it Schumer’s actual opening monologue, which has the benefit of being enjoyable and funny. As she points out, it’s the only awards show where the best films are voted on by “the same people who keep Catfish and Teen Mom on the air.”

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From there, it was on the the awards, a.k.a stars using some live airtime to plug their upcoming projects. If it feels like a cynical marketing ploy, it’s only because MTV wants you to know that’s exactly what it is. There were also a few heartfelt speeches, or at least actors who wanted it to seem like they’re the type who would give heartfelt speeches. And so we got Shailene Woodley thanking John Green for being such an inspiration to people who bravely write books about kids with cancer, and Robert Downey Jr. telling kids to “keep your nose clean,” because this is a sitcom from the ’50s.

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2015 MTV Movie Awards - Latest Movie News

Though it can’t hold a candle to the Best Shirtless Performance, it was still gratifying to see the young people of today making all the right choices, like picking The Maze Runner’s Dylan O’Brien over Selma’s David Oyelowo for Best Breakthrough Performance, or awarding the trophy for Best Fight to The Maze Runner’s Dylan O’Brien and Will Poulter. Sadly, that was it for The Maze Runner, but hopefully next year can remedy that, when the next movie in The Maze Runner series will no doubt be up for everything, including Best MTV Movie Award Winner Of An MTV Movie Award.

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Movie of the Year: The Fault in Our Stars
Best Male Performance: Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Best Kiss: Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort, The Fault in Our Stars
Best Duo: Zac Efron and Dave Franco, Neighbors
Best Comedic Performance: Channing Tatum, 22 Jump Street
Best Scared as Sh*t Performance: Jennifer Lopez,The Boy Next Door
Breakthrough Performance: Dylan O’Brien, The Maze Runner
Best Female Performance: Shailene Woodley, The Fault in Our Stars
Best Hero: Dylan O’Brien, The Maze Runner
Best Shirtless Performance: Zac Efron, Neighbors
Best Fight: Dylan O’Brien vs. Will Poulter, The Maze Runner
Best WTF Moment: Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne, Neighbors
Best Villain: Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Best On-Screen Transformation: Elizabeth Banks, Mockingjay—Part 1
Best Musical Moment: Jennifer Lawrence, Mockingjay—Part 1
MTV Trailblazer: Shailene Woodley
Comedic Genius: Kevin Hart
MTV Generation Award: Robert Downey Jr.