Last night was the MTV Movie Awards, the annual ceremony recognizing outstanding achievements in people that teenagers think are cute. If you didn’t watch the broadcast, you missed two things: Twilight winning just about everything it was nominated for, even the categories for which its inclusion seemed completely token; and Twilight star Robert Pattinson fueling slash-fic fantasies by kissing Taylor Lautner, then presenting the Generation Award to his Water For Elephants co-star Reese Witherspoon with a speech full of inside jokes about tequila and Witherspoon’s lesbian proclivities, and a story about how—although he lost out on playing her son in Vanity Fair—in Elephants he did get to fuck her. Yes, Robert Pattinson said “fuck” on the TV, and today the Internet is very excited.
You can see Pattinson's awkward tribute play out in the below video; everything else you missed can be boiled down to the following list of Twilight and non-Twilight winners. Also, we’re going to go ahead and take credit for Grown Ups’ “I wanna get chocolate wasted” winning “Best Line” over its Aaron Sorkin-penned competition from The Social Network—both are commentaries on the temptation and inevitable corruption of adult desire, but only one so poignantly captures the exact moment when that veil of innocence first begins to fall. We are chocolate vindicated.
Best Movie: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Male Performance: Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Comedic Performance: Emma Stone, Easy A
Best Breakout Star*: Chloe Moretz, Kick-Ass
Best Kiss: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Villain: Tom Felton, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I
Biggest Badass*: Chloe Moretz, Kick-Ass
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment: Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Best Scared-as-Shit Moment*: Ellen Page, Inception
Best Fight: Robert Pattinson vs. Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Line from a Movie: Alexys Nycole Sanchez, Grown Ups (“I wanna get chocolate wasted!”)
[*Not presented during broadcast.]