Minority Report

Offering a precognitive glimpse of a world in which social media is blessedly free of screeds about “historical significance” or “tradition,” or that damned “political correctness,” and citizens can get back to their busy lives of stopping future crimes and bathing in goo, the people behind Fox’s upcoming Minority Report show have gone ahead and just changed the name of the NFL’s Washington Redskins for the show’s 2065 setting. According to the show’s executive producers, speaking at the Television Critic Association meeting this week, Washington D.C. football fans of the future will be rooting for the Washington Red Clouds, named for a renowned war leader of the Oglala Lakota tribe, instead of being forced to employ a racial slur every time they want to talk about their team.

The change—which, like all shifts to the timeline enacted by TV show reboots of moderately popular Steven Spielberg movies, is legally binding and now 100 percent destined to happen—is one of a few changes the producers are making to the nation’s capital, apparently as part of some concentrated effort to drive the collected uncles of Facebook into paroxysms of rage. Other changes include gifting the city with a “cooler public transportation system,” and some possible changes to the nation’s monuments, probably by giving President Obama a big stone chair in the Lincoln Memorial, and filling the reflecting pool on the National Mall with gluten-free, organic, kale-heavy vegan soup. Minority Report debuts Sept. 21.

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