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Photo: Fox

Condolences to the residents of 45 major metropolitan markets tonight, as Variety reports the grim news we’ve been fearing to hear for years: The Masked Singer is coming to your city, and there’s nothing that any of us can do.

Fox confirmed tonight that the various monster costumes, gaudy tigers, and other ephemera that make up the bulk of the singing show’s appeal will soon be hitting the road, kicking off a concert tour similar to those that have seen the casts of competition reality series like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars devastate the country’s major population centers for years. The only consolation we can offer is that attendees at these events likely won’t have to confront the likes of Jenny McCarthy or Donnie Osmond face to face, because it kind of sounds like they’re mostly just dragging a bunch of costumes around and filling them with unknown people who can actually, you know, sing.

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Specifically: The tour will feature two as-yet-unnamed hosts who were previously Masked Singers—so we’re not out of the woods, Osmond-wise, just yet—along with “your favorite characters from the hit Fox TV show,” beloved archetypes like Terrifying Egg Child and Very Fuckable Iguana. Meanwhile, the “Hey, who’s that in the costume?aspect of the show will be handled by a “local mystery celebrity” at each stop of the tour, and now suddenly we’re back on board, because you know some of these pulls are going to be nuts. Bigger cities will be fine, of course—fingers crossed that Philadelphia can get Gritty, because that’d be a real Escher painting of a reveal—but the idea of digging up the hottest talent of Indianapolis, Indiana; Jacksonville, Florida; or Irving, Texas is kind of a mind-blower. (“Oh my god, Martha, I can’t believe that dancing platypus was former Indiana Pacers shooting guard Reggie Miller all along!”)

The tour kicks off in Detroit on May 28, and will continue until America is a red and suppurating wound bleeding to death in its grim and inevitable aftermath, or August 1 (when its final show takes place in Los Angeles)—whichever comes first.

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