In the age of social media and influencer marketing, it can seem like there are very few new advertising ideas left to discover. This is not true. KFC, the innovators responsible for selling edible grease-vessels beyond a just god’s intentions, casting RoboCop as their mascot, and producing gravy-scented candles, have outdone themselves once more with, of all things, a Colonel Sanders dating simulator.
As made clear by the KFC Gaming Twitter account we now know exists, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator is an actual PC game that digital storefront Steam lists as “Coming Soon.” Its profile page describes the game as “the world’s first Colonel Sanders dating simulator,” which really doesn’t need to be doubted, and says it will tell the tale of “a promising culinary student” who tries “to date [their] classmate, Colonel Sanders.”
“Throughout your journey, you’ll be faced with life-changing decisions that will affect your chances of friendship and love,” the description continues. “But be careful! Your choices have real consequences with real animated characters’ feelings at stake.”
Created by a studio called PsyOp—a fitting name for the latest instance of a brand trying to break our sense of reality—I Love You, Colonel Sanders! lists features like “Multiple hours of play-through,” “Cooking battles,” “9 lovable characters,” “Cute miniature food,” and, of course, “dateable Colonel Sanders.” There’s also an animated introductory video, which shows off the Hot Anime-Style Colonel, a corgi in a chef’s hat called Professor Dog, and fellow students with big, multi-colored hair-dos.
While KFC has created video games before, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! represents something grander in scope than its wild VR employee training scheme. This appears to be a full-on dating simulator, designed to craft a brand new psychosexual phenomenon that blends fried chicken advertising with romantic literature. It’s a terrifyingly ambitious plan. Future generations, watching erotic holofilms of deep-fried chicken legs, will be struck by how well it worked.
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