Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Jon Batiste, friends
Screenshot: The Late Show

With Sunday’s no-doubt epic (and some-doubt satisfying) Game Of Thrones finale coming at us this Sunday, some people are scrambling to catch up, rewatch, and otherwise cram in preparation. And, sure, it’s theoretically possible to catch up on every single episode, read the A.V. Club’s both expert and newbie reviews, and send in your virtual signature to a petition (presumably started by Comic Book Guy) to somehow force HBO to invest untold millions to redo the whole show to your precise specifications. But, thanks to Late Show bandleader Jon Batiste, you don’t have to!

Unveiling his own magnum opus, a musical recap that promises to clue in the clueless in advance of the big Sunday blowout, Batiste told Late Show host Stephen Colbert that he undertook this public service gladly. Despite the fact that he’s never watched a single episode of the show. (Late Show writer Ariel Dumas, who wrote the actual lyrics, may have seen an episode or two.) Luckily, Batiste is on the Twitter, so, as he told the skeptical Colbert, he’s seen all your hilarious memes and photoshops and whatnot, so was pretty confident he’d cobbled together a helpfully accurate timeline.


He hadn’t, but one could, perhaps, understand some of Batiste’s confusion in thinking the show takes place in England, in 1837, that the ever-frosty Jon Snow is some sort of ice-breathing wizard in a battle with that scary Old Man Winter, and that House Stark is in mortal battle with the forces of Gryffindor. Donning a Prince by way of Dave Chappelle ensemble, complete with keytar, Batiste also drew on his third- or fourth-hand knowledge of GOT to warn people about all the Draculas pursuing lovers Aquaman and Elsa from Frozen, while Ed Sheeran sings a love song in the background. He also speculates that this “D&D on TV” might have a serious racial problem, as there seem to be only two black people in the entire world. (One of whom was just unceremoniously [redacted.]) On second thought, maybe Batiste picked up on some of Game Of Thrones’ true essence after all.

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Danny Peary's Cult Movies books are mostly to blame.

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