Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

The Internet does not believe that making Melissa Joan Hart a movie star is worth $2 million

Illustration for article titled The Internet does not believe that making Melissa Joan Hart a movie star is worth $2 million

Fueling pundits who have argued that increasingly high-profile Kickstarter panhandling steals from the truly needy, Melissa Joan Hart has been forced to cancel online fundraising for her would-be romantic comedy Darci’s Walk Of Shame, after coming up $1,948,395 short of her $2 million goal. The star of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Clarissa Explains It All*, and Melissa And Joey—like so many other Hollywood outsiders—had hoped to “impress those same Hollywood execs that have caused a stumbling block in my path to a more serious film career,” which she’d been seeking ever since joining Dancing With The Stars, the first stepping stone to being taken more seriously as an actress.

The second: Calling upon fans to give her $2 million, by posting a video in which Hart and her mom reference her past successes, by way of asking fans to help her overcome those successes and become way more famous. “Don’t you want to be in a movie making out with some hot, sexy guy?” Hart’s mom asks. Doesn’t the world want that? the campaign asks. For Melissa Joan Hart?


Unfortunately, inexplicably, the answer was a resounding “no.” Now those same Hollywood execs shall remain unmoved in their mission to block Hart’s film career, having never seen the movie in which Hart would have starred as a thirtysomething woman who has her first one-night stand while attending her sister’s wedding in Thailand, forcing her to take “a very long, confusing walk of shame in a ridiculously bright colored taffeta bridesmaid’s gown through the island paradise.”

They’ll continue to smugly impede Hart’s progress, never knowing what she’s capable of when given $2 million to go to an island resort and make a movie “much like Drive Me Crazy…only all grown up and having a roll in the hay with the hot actors in the film!” All because of the sad truth that worthwhile crowdsourcing causes, such as making Melissa Joan Hart a movie star where she goes to islands and makes out with hot guys, are overshadowed by those who would corrupt Kickstarter toward their own selfish ends.

In addition to denying Hart the serious film career Darci’s Walk Of Shame would have provided, now everyone else has been denied Hart’s promise to “deliver the laughs and silliness that you have come to know and expect from me and my taste in projects”—a guaranteed waybill of silly cargo that, like Hart, will now never reach its island destination. Similarly, no one else will receive promised donor incentives, like the three people who would have had the thrill of having “two main cast members (not Melissa Joan Hart) follow you on Twitter for a full year,” thus tasting a tiny bit of movie-star fame that only the privileged few experience. (Not Melissa Joan Hart.) No one will see their name appear in the end credits, for which Hart—now needlessly—preemptively apologized if your name is misspelled; “however, mistakes are made.” (Like no one giving Melissa Joan Hart $2 million.)

And because the system has failed, the two people who donated $10,000 won’t land their promised speaking role in the film (“unless you really, really can’t act”). Though if it’s any consolation, neither will Melissa Joan Hart—and she really, really can act. Unfortunately, somehow no one thought it was worth $2 million to let her prove it.


*Here is the obligatory note that no, I am not the guy who was on Clarissa Explains It All. I agree that we have the same name and that this is occasionally confusing. Coincidentally, I'm also currently seeking $2 million for my own project, in which I retire to an island resort and never hear about it again.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter