Finally stamping a price tag on modern rap's most important beef outside of Israel vs. Palestine, San Antonio Spurs player Tony Parker is suing the New York bar that was recently the site of a brawl between the respective entourages of Drake and Chris Brown, because you can't sue love. The details of the melee that we have, until now, more or less ignored due to the difficulties of untangling heartstrings: Slowly rehabilitating human being Chris Brown reportedly sent cuddly sweater-rapper Drake some champagne as a gracious acknowledgment that, though they had shared Rihanna's vagina, they were but two ships passing in the nightclub. Drake replied with a note allegedly reading, "I am fucking the love of your life"—a harsh bit of posturing delivered without the amelioration even of Drake's traditional Auto-Tune. This sparked a shouting match that escalated into violent lobbing of bottles, until Brown—who now has even more reason to hate glass—walked away with some cuts, a seriously injured bodyguard, and a whole new violent incident to refuse to discuss on talk shows someday.

Since then, rumors have flown that either Drake or Brown will be arrested, and two different models caught in the fray have hired attorneys, but Parker is the first to take official legal action. Of course, it's notable that he's placing the blame for his injuries—including a "corneal laceration of his left eye"—not on Drake or Brown, but rather squarely on the owners of New York's W.i.P., accusing them of "reckless, careless" negligence for letting Drake and Chris Brown in the club at the same time " despite known tension between the two," as their shared romantic histories are legend among the peasantry.


Indeed, Parker's attorney David Jaroslawicz compared Rihanna to "Helen of Troy," saying the club should have been well aware that she is known to "cause trouble," suggesting that it is their open ignorance of her romantic history that brought about this new Trojan War that—much like the scheming of Zeus—will eventually lead to the Earth being depopulated of its demigods, beginning with forcing Tony Parker to miss a game or two. Besides, who, after all, can blame Drake or Brown, who may have provoked that whirlwind of broken, very expensive bottles, but only as an expression of their broken hearts?