For years now, companies on social media have burrowed deeper and deeper into the depths of a modern hell that seems to have no bottom. Online brands have engaged in skin-crawling rap battles, traded first-person compliments as if they’re real people, offered goddamned tips on coping with depression, and, in the most noxious twist of all, justified cynical corporate strategy by positioning their internet presence as a necessary balm for an existentially alienated generation.
Apparently unable to think of anything more horrific to inflict upon the world, the Vita Coco Twitter account has now decided it’s a good idea to respond to a bad product review by posting a jar full of piss and then making it their actual profile picture.
The whole grim saga began with writer Tony Posnanski tweeting one of those “unpopular opinions” posts back in March that trashed coconut water. For whatever reason, months later, coconut water brand Vita Coco responded with their own unpopular opinion regarding eggs—y’know, a thing that the disembodied representation of a beverage company definitely has.
Posnanski responded, quite reasonably, by rephrasing his view of coconut water with stronger language.
Likely because he has a whole lot of followers, Vita Coco offered to send Posnanski a bottle, which he turned down by saying, unfortunately, that he’d “rather drink your social media persons piss.”
The monsters then tweeted this:
There’s been more since, including Posnanski tweeting that he was, indeed, “owned” and that he thinks the response is “extremely funny.” Most importantly, though, there’s confirmation that the coconut people’s social media person actually pissed in a jug for the photo.
Distressingly, this decision—which will undoubtedly be written up as a PR win for 2019's second financial quarter—has been applauded by many.
Encouraged in their disgusting behavior, we can only imagine where brand Twitter goes from here. Before long a social media manager working for a granola company will, perhaps, be feted for posting pictures of their own shit with a hater’s face Photoshopped onto it. After that, there’s only homicide and arson left as extreme, “cool brand” moves—something Steak-umm, its reptilian gaze drawn to Vita Coco’s stunt, is surely aware could be a good enough escalation for it to reclaim its fetid crown.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org