Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

The amber luminescence of Justin Bieber sparks a teenage riot in Australia

Reminiscent of the way the blood rushes to our heads whenever we read his name, thousands of Australian teenagers surged toward a Sydney concert by Twitter messiah Justin Bieber this morning, sending eight girls to the hospital and injuring many more. Australian police were forced to cancel Bieber’s performance amid a melee that included at least 10 girls fainting in the crush and several more hyperventilating, presumably at the thought of seeing the morning sunrise sparkling ever so ephemerally in the auric billow of Bieber’s bangs, but also probably because of the sheer physical weight of being trampled by 5,000 hormonally charged (mostly) girls, all driven to madness by a longing they can feel tingling in their loins but aren’t yet worldly enough to understand. Offering naught but cold comfort, Bieber later performed while encased in the protective safety of a local television studio, while his frustrated would-be first loves bayed and scratched confusedly at the glass separating them from the only thing their hearts have ever wanted. Like the rest of us, they will just have to wait.


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