(Photo: Getty Images)

This morning, a press release went out announcing that SoCal escalator-funk legends Red Hot Chili Peppers have a new album called The Getaway coming out June 17 on Warner Bros. Records. (Here, you can pre-order it if you want.) But what really got The A.V. Club staff’s tube socks in a twist was the track listing for the album, which goes something like this:

The Getaway
1. The Getaway

2. Dark Necessities

3. We Turn Red

4. The Longest Wave

5. Goodbye Angels

6. Sick Love

7. Go Robot

8. Feasting On The Flowers

9. Detroit

10. This Ticonderoga

11. Encore

12. The Hunter

13. Dreams Of A Samurai

Holy shit. “Dreams Of A Samurai?!” First of all, if this song isn’t at least seven and a half minutes long, then Anthony Kiedis doesn’t condition his hair with some sort of weird horse placenta shampoo. (He totally does.) And speaking of Kiedis, what sort of linguistic kickflips will he be able to pull off in this masterpiece of nonsensical cultural appropriation? Our staffers had a few ideas, so now, dear readers, we present to you: The A.V. Club’s lyrics to “Dreams Of A Samurai.” Enjoy.

Met a sexy girl with kung fu thighs

Way down in San Bernadin-aye

She was using chopsticks, eatin’ cherry pie

Call her chop-socky Sally, she’ll sock it to you, guy

Bandai Band-Aid under one eye

Swattin’ away all those Japanese flies

Dreamin’ of samurai HUH!

[Chorus]

I think I know a guy

Let’s get up and fly

Never asked why

She’s a samurai

Got some Cajun fries at the Burbank Five Guys

And there she was, looking really high

She said oh, hello, mister twister Chiang Mai

But I didn’t say that was actually Thai

I didn’t want to get crucified

It don’t take no private eye

Just feudal Japan, home of samurai! HUH!

[Chorus]

My man Hunter Thompson was notoriously gonzo

My sword’s bigger than Hatori Hanzo’s

My girl Misako got a thousand followers

Don’t work at the circus but she’s a real sword swallower

My blade’s harder than Valyrian steel

Don’t you think it’s time to super size your meal?

[Chorus]

Squib-a-wib-a-bye, Squonk-a-donk-a-fly, Lucy in the sky, Wimp womp samurai (x 10)

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(Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Lyrics: Rife/Adams/Modell/Eakin/McCown)