Hello? Is this the Chicago Cubs? Yes, it’s The A.V. Club. You know, we live right around the corner from each other? We can hear Wrigley Field concerts from our deck? Oh no, no need to apologize for the Phish shows this summer—Billy Joel and two nights of Pearl Jam made up for it.
Listen, we wanted to fill you in about this Bob Newhart fella. Big comedy star from the middle of last century. Put out some funny records; starred in a series of shows with his name in the title. It seems—how did you know? Ah, that’s right, that photo of him and Jack White from last summer. You’d think we’d be a lot better at remembering photos of Jack White at Cubs games.
Anyway, about Bob. Mathematically, there might be some Cubs fan out there who was alive when the team won the World Series in 1908. But the odd 102-year-old aside, Bob Newhart’s gotta be up there in terms of people who’ve lived the longest without witnessing a Cubs title. He’s four score and seven years old. Well, sure, you can—what do you mean you changed “four score and seven” to “87”?
Sorry, where were we? Right: Bob, Cubs, World Series. And, finally: Twitter. It’s great that the club got Twitter to add that “Fly The W” emoji, but you know what’s more entertaining than an emoji? Correct: Everything else in the world. And “everything else in the world” includes Bob Newhart, holding his own replica of the flag that’s flown at Wrigley Field after every Cubs win. Near the end of a trying year, at the height of a presidential campaign that’s made the already irredeemable realm of social media even more irredeemable, we need Bob Newhart in our Twitter feed. We think you’ll find that there are only three things that inspire Bob to tweet: upcoming performances, the deaths of fellow showbiz icons, and the Cubbies.
For Bob to keep tweeting, you have to keep playing. And for you to keep playing, you have to keep winning. Just eight more wins, that’s all we’re asking. Eight wins would’ve been a big ask of some previous Cubs lineups, but we think you’ve got this one in you.
As you do it, don’t just do it for yourself. And don’t just do it for your hometown, even though it’s been pretty forgiving about this “century without a championship” thing. Do it for Bob. And try to do it without anymore of those 13-inning nail-biters. It’s bad enough that the guy has dreams of owning an inn in Vermont keeping him up at night.