Teletubbies

The BBC has announced that new Teletubbies are coming to save humanity from its long global nightmare. Conservationists have long been concerned that humanity might someday burn through the Earth’s extant 365-episode supply of the long-running children’s show, leaving toddlers with nothing to stare blankly at while their half-deafened parents pray for death. But now, despite the protestations of its progress-hating creator, the Teletubbies reboot remains on course for release, and is set to arrive on the BBC’s CBeebies kid’s channel later this year.

The network also revealed the new members of the show’s cast, who will be voicing various anthropomorphic objects for the titular characters to interact with. (The Teletubbies themselves, of course, speak only in the tongue of the Great Race Of Yith, as transcribed by its modern-day acolytes.) Veteran British actor Jim Broadbent, of Hot Fuzz and the Harry Potter films, will bring his world-weary brand of cheerful madness to the show as the voice of a talking “voice trumpet” that emerges from the ground to make pronouncements, while Absolutely Fabulous’ Jane Horrocks will be the voice of “the tubby phone,” a talking cell phone designed to bring the Teletubbies’ outdated retro styles into the harsh light of the modern world.

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And, because this is 2015 and there is nothing on Earth that can be designed solely for children anymore, Horrocks also added that the show, “Has a whole new feel to it. I think it’s hilarious, and it will appeal to adults as much as it does children.” You heard her, readers: Teletubbies is for adults now, too! So why not make a date of your new appointment television: Put on your best evening dress, pop open a bottle of wine, and curl up on the divan next to your tax forms and your blood pressure medication. Put down that Gore Vidal book, all you adults, because Teletubbies is on!