Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Texas post-quarantine “Go Topless Jeep Weekend” results in feral bacchanal, nearly 200 arrests
Screenshot: 12NewsNow (YouTube)

Happy “COVID-19 Series Finale” week, everyone! Dozens of states across the country have begun easing their social distancing guidelines, which surely means we are now officially out of the woods and not simply cutting back restrictions to appease the great god Mammon. Let’s check in on how people are celebrating the closing of this dark chapter in modern history!

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As this brave reporter out of Beaumont, Texas, shows us, some Texans were very ready to put this whole pandemic thing behind them and move on. And that the lifting of these restrictions coincided with the area’s Go Topless Jeep Weekend means that the annual party was even rowdier than usual. Against footage of shrieking, twerking revelers, this war correspondent relays that dozens upon dozens of beachgoers managed to get themselves arrested for things somehow un-goddamn-related to social distancing guidelines, which one police officer says are impossible to enforce.

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“I mean, you can’t. It’s just—it’s not possible to enforce that at this beach with the amount of people here. It’s just...we can’t do it,” he says so, so, so defeatedly to the camera.

All told, 189 people were arrested for traffic citations, drug possession, and, of course, fighting, with one brawl leaving two men shot. That’s more than twice the people arrested at last year’s Go Topless Beach Weekend, when around 80 partiers were locked up and six were hospitalized after “chaos erupted.”

The future’s looking bright, folks.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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