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Ted Nugent chosen to represent rational gun owners at State of the Union, diplomatically promises not to bring his gun

Providing a visible analogue to the unnecessary distraction he is to America’s political discourse, camouflage beer koozie Ted Nugent will be stewing in the audience of tonight’s State of the Union address, attending as the invited guest of Texas Representative Steve Stockman—the Republican who recently threatened to file articles of impeachment against President Obama, should the latter make any attempt to strengthen gun control laws. Their date, based on a mutual love of paranoia and making empty, self-aggrandizing threats, comes after Nugent saying last year that he would be “dead or in jail” should Obama be reelected, a promise that Nugent has thus far failed to make good on.

But for those worried Ted Nugent might not be just a blustering idiot who approaches complex political debate like a bar fight, Nugent swears he has no intention of being a disruption tonight, and that he’ll be sitting in the House of Representatives gallery “with a deep, abiding respect for the office of the presidency.” For example, he won’t even bring his guns.


“I will be going in sans the hardware store on my belt. I live a well-armed life, and I’ve got to demilitarize before I go,” Nugent, who famously shit his pants to avoid non-pretend military service, said of his diplomatic gesture of removing the “at least 20 pounds” of very necessary weaponry he normally carries, in the course of his life as a millionaire celebrity in the year 2013. In fact, the only thing Ted Nugent will be armed with tonight is symbolism, as Stockman’s office says Nugent “speaks for millions of Americans who understand how the Second Amendment protects freedom and stops crime”—a rational message that millions of Americans believe is best delivered in the voice of Ted Nugent, apparently. For those who want to hear more of that message, Nugent will also be holding a post-State of The Union press conference, offering the chance to see signal devoured by noise in record time.

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