Few things can be as delicious as a pile of quesadillas, chalupas, gorditas, cheesy quesarito crunchers, quesalupa chasers, and supreme Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew balls from Taco Bell when you’re as high as humanly possible. Or, you know, really drunk, or a teenager, or whatever other reasons people have for going to Taco Bell and not some pretentious “authentic” restaurant that doesn’t even serve Mountain Dew balls. The only problem is that sometimes you’re so high/drunk/teenaged that you simply can’t drive to the Taco Bell. What are you supposed to do then? Eat Doritos in chip-form like an actual human, instead of the monster that you are?
Well, soon you will no longer have to worry about being unable to pick up Taco Bell, because it will deliver the Cinnabon-smothered koopatroopas directly to your door. Or it would, if it had any idea how to do that. In a report on Daily Finance (via Uproxx), Taco Bell executive Brian Niccol says that customers request the ability to have their food delivered more than anything else—even more than “put the weed directly in the taco.” The problem is that Niccol doesn’t know how to transition Taco Bell’s existing strengths (putting cheese where there should be no cheese, providing a ton of food for very little money) into a model that makes having it delivered affordable for the customer and the restaurant. As Daily Finance explains, Average Joe Stoner won’t want to pay an expensive delivery fee just to get the six-pack of grilled grande gorlupadillas when he could just hop in his AMC Gremlin and get them himself for cheaper—although Daily Finance worded its point a little differently.
Also, the article doesn’t go into this, but we think there’d be a substantial issue with Taco Bell delivery drivers (who would already be pretty high) delivering food to people who are also pretty high, and then just hanging out and continuing to get high with them while eating Taco Bell. Eventually, they’d order more Taco Bell, and the cycle would continue. Forget about making this practical, Brian Niccol. You’ve got to find a way to hire delivery drivers who aren’t perpetually on drugs first.