Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Gilbert Gottfried hosted a bat mitzvah with a topless senior, Richard Belzer
Photo: Rebecca Sapp (Getty Images)

Page Six is a well-established gossip rag that for too long has reported on celebrity news that the people of the world just don’t need to know about. On Monday, though, it published an article that taps into a universal market, covering a story that will appeal to every possible reader: A Zoom bat mitzvah hosted by Gilbert Gottfried that included a topless septuagenarian, Law & Order’s Richard Belzer, and a guy named “Joel Magazine.”

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The bat mitzvah was held for Gottfried and Dara Kravitz’s daughter and, in a solid party move, saw a 70-year-old guest named Francine “take off her bathing suit, get naked, and take a shower in the middle [of the ceremony] ... and entirely on camera.” Page Six quotes a source (who we imagine met them in a shadowy parking garage wearing a trench coat and low-brimmed hat) who says this Francine “wasn’t familiar with how to work Zoom” and had just returned from a swim. This same mysterious source told the tabloid that the woman “couldn’t figure out how to get the sound to work, so she couldn’t hear anyone telling her she was naked.”

Belzer attended the bat mitzvah remotely and was somehow able to see all of this happen despite wearing, we presume, a pair of tiny rectangular sunglasses. We are pleased to report that Page Six dug deep enough to learn that he said, “Let’s all take off our tops just to make her feel comfortable” during the call, before adding, “Well, I’m bottomless.” As all of this happened, we must remember that Gottfried was on the call, doing whatever you can imagine Gottfried would do in a scenario like the one described above.

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In order to complete this scene, the site also tells us that another person in attendance was named “Joel Magazine.” Mr. Magazine said that he “called [the naked woman] in a panic” to tell her what was happening. In a perfect end to this story, Francine apparently responded to learning that she’d been inadvertently naked during a bat mitzvah by saying, “That’s how I roll.”

We’ll be sure to update you all if anyone manages to report a story as good as this one ever again.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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