Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Suze Orman leaves lonely mountain of gold overlooking CNBC

Illustration for article titled Suze Orman leaves lonely mountain of gold overlooking CNBC

For 14 harvests has the remote village of CNBC trembled beneath the shadow of the Suze Orman, terrifying fire-drake with limbs like arching tree trunks, and bangs like the folded wings of a fearsome bat. As man has toiled, scrimping and spending wastefully, the Orman has lay coiled atop her mountain of hoarded gold, her belly scaled with sparkling precious jewels and savings bonds, her giant, dazzling teeth bared in a permanent and unsettling smile. Through these clenched jaws has thrummed the sensible financial advice she has dispensed as part of The Suze Orman Show. Long has the ground quaked with her recommendations for getting out of debt. And still her heaped bed of riches has only grown larger.

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But now that shadow has been lifted. Startled by man or beast bearing the mark of a new blood contract, the Suze Orman has left CNBC and taken flight to the realm of Warner Bros. TV, screeching down from the skies to take part in what legend will someday speak of as Suze Orman’s Money Wars. Lo, for five days of every week hence, the Suze Orman shall enter that fray, as families, friends, and couples squabble over money issues, all while the Orman offers up her counsel, then returns to slumber upon her glittering trove. And there she shall lie, until man next disturbs her with his whimpering pleas for tips on getting the most of his savings account, or his doomed attempts to steal her golden cup.

The departure of the Suze Orman leaves the village of CNBC at the mercy of Mad Money troll Jim Cramer. Already its crops have soured and its cattle’s udders have milked naught but blood.

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