Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Surprising nobody, bats are the best goth dancers of all time

Illustration for article titled Surprising nobody, bats are the best goth dancers of all time
Screenshot: Mian Ramay

It’s a sad fact of life that, no matter how hard any of us try, we can never be as impressively goth as bats. We can tease our hair out, paint our lips black, and “Gothic dance” to our heart’s content, but we’ll never possess the inherent darkness of a winged, nocturnal rodent born with a spooky cape attached to its body.

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Anyone trying to fight this fact of life, thinking they can out-goth a bat if they write just enough poetry in a moonlit graveyard, is in for a rude awakening. Bats have renewed their bona fides by showing that, apart from everything else, they also hang out in the world’s best goth nightclubs.

Look how naturally it comes to them. Without even trying, the bats dance and pose with a depressed grace that no human could ever achieve. Filmed upside down, even the latticed cage they hook their clawed feet into turns into a sweet industrial floor with a balcony in back. They cross and uncross their arms, stretching their wings out in dramatic poses and shuffling around while maintaining a dark, detached stare into the camera’s lens. You can almost hear them arguing about the best Disintegration tracks in the quiet moments when the DJ crossfades between Bauhaus and Siouxsie And The Banshees.

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Give it up, goths. There’s no point trying to outdo the bats. They don’t need ripped fishnets or pentagram necklaces. They were born into a life of darkness that we can never achieve.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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