Finally addressing the PR nightmare it’s been wrestling with for months, Subway has conceded to public pressure and agreed to start measuring its supposed “footlongs” and six-inch subs to ensure they meet the public’s exacting bad sandwich standards. The announcement comes after the company was recently faced with a class action suit—one that we’re guessing involved a lot of people taking rulers and performing the kinds of sandwich-based experiments you see littering the poorly constructed poster boards of C- students’ science fair presentations.
Besides agreeing to pay the half-million in attorney fees going to the hard-working legal minds that carried off this ranch-slathered coup, Subway will—pending final approval—update its sandwich artists’ job descriptions in January to include requiring “that franchisees measure bread to ensure that Footlong and 6-inch subs are the correct length,” as opposed to the old system of just slapping down some dough and praying to the Bread God to make it right. (This case is just the latest battle in the long-running war between sandwich art, sandwich science, and sandwich religion that stands at the center of American culture.)
Anyway, you can now be assured of getting even more of that delicious Subway sandwich bread the next time you go there because everything else is closed.