Oh, would that that were just a funny headline. Well, at least a funny headline not 100 percent based in the truth that the acting Attorney General of the United States is a flim-flam artist with a long and documented history of shilling for giant penis toilets and Bigfoot parties. Oh, and time-travel. As Stephen Colbert put it in his Wednesday Late Show monologue, there are serious questions about Matthew Whitaker’s appointment to the highest law enforcement position in the land. It may be illegal, he definitely has called for only Christians to serve as judges, and then there’s that whole “clearly picked by Donald Trump because he’s all about shutting down the Robert Mueller investigation into Donald Trump” thing. “Now, before we go any further,” admonished a solemn Colbert after unveiling the Wednesday Washington Post headline ‘Matthew Whitaker is steeped in time travel and Bigfoot,’ “I just want to say there is serious debate over to whether Whitaker’s appointment is unconstitutional and might obstruct justice. But tonight, Daddy don’t give a damn—I wanna talk about time-travelin’ Bigfoot man!”
Barely able to contain himself over yet another Trump associate whose bountiful corruption and lunacy just keeps on givin’, Colbert outlined the claims, inventions, and penis-protecting invention work of World Patent Marketing, a now-shuttered business for which Whittaker was a paid advisor and hot tub pitchman. At least until it was shut down for defrauding its admittedly gullible investors for over $26 million. (Which, again admittedly, is a million less than Donald Trump himself had to pay to students of his fraudulent Trump University, so Whitaker’s a million up on that one.) And you’d better believe that Whitaker wasn’t just hawking hot tubs before being thrust into the nation’s top cop spot, as his company also claimed to have DNA proof of the existence of Bigfoot, proposed it was right on the cusp of investing time travel, and, just because the comedy gods are kind to Stephen Colbert, patented an extra-deep toilet (“the masculine toilet”) for dudes whose pendulous junk is so long, it gets dunked every time they poop. As Colbert noted, if your penis requires the extra 12” of distance between the rim and water in your toilet, you might need medical attention. That or [dramatic turn to camera three] “You’re Bigfoot!” Colbert also unveiled a version of World Patent Marketing’s time-travel pitch video that hinted that Trump may have really responded to a guy who could promise both Mueller-erasing time travel and the cool, porcelain reassurance of an unnecessarily deep wang-toilet. And Bigfoot. We’re doomed.