Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Step aside, Kevin Smith: Here are some more contenders for the worst tweet of all time

Photo: SIphotography (Getty Images)

You, dear reader, may or not be familiar with Roko’s Basilisk, a thought experiment popular with self-described “libertarian techno-futurists” and, of course, Elon Musk. As simply put as humanly possible—Roko’s Basilisk is a hypothetical future AI nebulously programmed to increase “human good,” which it achieves by retroactively punishing those of us who did not help bring about its existence, be it through quantum manipulations or by designing a Matrix-style hellscape we currently confuse for an actual reality. Essentially, it’s Pascal’s Wager for self-righteous atheists.

With this in mind, today we suggest that @shaun_vids has stumbled upon a social media variant of Roko’s Basilisk, in which simply pondering the worst tweets possible ensure that not only are they rendered digitally immortal, but that it all but ensures more heinous atrocities are to come for us, defiling our souls 240 characters or less at a time.

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For over ten years, we largely thought the matter settled. We speak, of course, of Kevin Smith’s eye-singeing tweet informing the public that the “clit/brown/taint-area” of his wife, Jennifer Schwalbach, “still pOwns [his] dick.” Hell, even Silent Bob himself seemed to eventually agree that humanity was noticeably brought lower on that dark, dreadful day (although he now seems to pin at least some of the blame on Schwalbach, too).

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If anything, there was a dark comfort in knowing that, as awful as Twitter is on a daily basis, nothing could be worse than Smith’s social media atrocity. Apparently, it seems we may have been wrong. So, so very wrong...

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Of course, Smith’s “pOwned” tweet is suggested numerous times in the replies, but there are just so many awful alternatives. We’ve got Logan Paul (no goddamn relation to this post’s author), bragging that some of his best friends are Muslim on the anniversary of 9/11. Then there’s this textual crime against humanity, which might be the most atrocious “dead celebs hanging in Heaven” fan fiction tweet of them all (a feat in and of itself).

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Hey, remember the time Russiagate / #NeverTrump grifter Louise Mensch “reported” that Steve Bannon was gonna be put up against the wall soon, even if the very thought of it supposedly rankled her pro-life sensibilities? Well, you goddamn do now, because we ain’t suffering through this on our own.

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Or how about a personal favorite of this post’s author: InfoWars shill cool conspiracy kid smoking a cig Paul Joseph Watson “joking” that carcinogens are less cancerous than feminism.

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Here’s a few other highlights from this cursed thread, though we’re still but scratching its gut-strewn surface.

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It seems as though, in the end, Roko’s Basilisk makes pOwned dicks of us all...

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About the author

Andrew Paul

Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.