Hello there, little piggies. Freddy Krueger here sitting in at The A.V. Club to bring you some frightening news. You didn’t know I was a writer? Well, freelancing comes easy after 40 years of free stabbing and free slashing. (The hardest part is using the track pad with the gloves on, actually.) Some commenters have called me a hack, but when you’re in the business of killing teenagers, that comes as a compliment.

Anyway, you’re going to spend this Valentine’s Day weekend with the man of your dreams, as El Rey Network will be airing five of the seven Nightmare On Elm Street films­, as well as a few episodes of the anthology series Freddy’s Nightmares hosted by me, the bastard son of a hundred maniacs. The marathon will kick off with Wes Craven’s original for all you lovebirds, followed by A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge for those who practice a, let’s say, alternative lifestyle. No need to Netflix and chill when you’ve got dead chicks and kills with A Nightmare On Elm Street 3:Dream Warriors and A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master up next, then 1989’s A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child wraps things up…in primetime, bitch! Say what you want about the sequels, but at least I showed up for every movie, unlike that Midwest misfit with a thing for his sister or that momma’s boy Red Wings fan from New Jersey.


Freddy’s Dead and New Nightmare didn’t make the cut, and neither did the 2010 remake. (I may be a filthy child murderer, but I’m no sadist.) I’d say Freddy’s back to make America quiver and shake again, but another relic from the ‘80s is doing a better job at that than I ever could. The marathon kicks off Saturday, February 13th at 6 AM ET/PT and runs until 2 AM Valentine’s Day, making it the second scariest thing going on that weekend after waiting tables at a suburban Red Lobster.

When you get to El Rey, tell ‘em Freddy sent you. Pleasant dreams!

[Note: El Rey, like The A.V. Club, is owned by Univision Communications.]

[h/t i09]