Hello there, little piggies. Freddy Krueger here sitting in at The A.V. Club to bring you some frightening news. You didn’t know I was a writer? Well, freelancing comes easy after 40 years of free stabbing and free slashing. (The hardest part is using the track pad with the gloves on, actually.) Some commenters have called me a hack, but when you’re in the business of killing teenagers, that comes as a compliment.

Anyway, you’re going to spend this Valentine’s Day weekend with the man of your dreams, as El Rey Network will be airing five of the seven Nightmare On Elm Street films­, as well as a few episodes of the anthology series Freddy’s Nightmares hosted by me, the bastard son of a hundred maniacs. The marathon will kick off with Wes Craven’s original for all you lovebirds, followed by A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge for those who practice a, let’s say, alternative lifestyle. No need to Netflix and chill when you’ve got dead chicks and kills with A Nightmare On Elm Street 3:Dream Warriors and A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master up next, then 1989’s A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child wraps things up…in primetime, bitch! Say what you want about the sequels, but at least I showed up for every movie, unlike that Midwest misfit with a thing for his sister or that momma’s boy Red Wings fan from New Jersey.

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Freddy’s Dead and New Nightmare didn’t make the cut, and neither did the 2010 remake. (I may be a filthy child murderer, but I’m no sadist.) I’d say Freddy’s back to make America quiver and shake again, but another relic from the ‘80s is doing a better job at that than I ever could. The marathon kicks off Saturday, February 13th at 6 AM ET/PT and runs until 2 AM Valentine’s Day, making it the second scariest thing going on that weekend after waiting tables at a suburban Red Lobster.

When you get to El Rey, tell ‘em Freddy sent you. Pleasant dreams!

[Note: El Rey, like The A.V. Club, is owned by Univision Communications.]

[h/t i09]

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