Boldly stepping into the contentious chorus of voices debating the Republican primary and quieting them all with a swift kick to the throat, aging action movie star and e-mail forward Chuck Norris has anointed his own candidate for endorsement, drawing on the wealth of wisdom and experience that is unique to Chuck Norris. “As a six-time undefeated middleweight world karate champion, I have a pretty good idea what makes a warrior,” Norris writes in this editorial for conservative news site WND, instantly creating a new meme before declaring that the only candidate worthy of being considered a “warrior” is Newt Gingrich. For only Gingrich, Norris writes, has demonstrated “astounding agility and rebound” (metaphorically speaking) in battling the combined forces of his wealthy political opponents and the media assault, armed only with his own vast riches and sanctimonious refusal to talk about the stuff he’s said and done.
That arsenal will certainly come in handy when fighting the “trifecta of tyranny” that Chuck Norris lays out, painting a picture of the presidential race that reads an awful lot like a Chuck Norris movie. The way Norris sees it, the underdog Gingrich is standing up to “Mitt and his cronies,” sneaking in to “shut down the power grid of the [mainstream media],” and going mano-a-meaty-mano with the “kingpins” of the GOP, all so he can “fight against the three-headed chthonic giant, and then scale the Washington acropolis and combat the supreme sultan of political swing occupying the Oval Office.” (Presumably somewhere in there, Newt Gingrich will also find time to rescue a group of children who are being held hostage—say, by Michelle Obama’s dietary suggestions.) Anyway, if you had been deluded into thinking that Gingrich’s campaign is over, or find the suggestion of Gingrich "scaling" anything humorous, Chuck Norris urges you to reconsider these facts he just kicked into your face. After all, he’s a six-time undefeated middleweight world karate champion. [via EW]