Zack Snyder continues to hype his 214-minute cut of Justice League, a mythic totem we assume is under lock and key for its arcane ability to instill madness in anyone who watches it, Grin Of The Dark-style. You see, a cat was not crawling across Jason Momoa’s keyboard when the actor behind Aquaman called it “ssssiiicccckkkkkk,”—he was devolving into a sputtering, quivering mess, his eyes having popped into gobs of Superman-colored blood and veins.
Snyder’s vision—the breadth of which he’s since unpacked—will be seen, even if takes a hundred more Times Square billboards. But why waste the money when you’ve got a corporate monolith on your side? In December, Snyder’s rabid fans locked their collective Cyborg eye on Subway, strong-arming the sandwich chain into an act of charity that doubled as a recruitment tool. It wasn’t long until Subway’s social media team, drool dripping from their maws, were tweeting out the #ReleaseTheSnyderCut hashtag.
Today, Snyder sought to take advantage of the teriyaki-stained partnership by telling a bald-faced lie. “It’s #214 and people have been asking me what would be on a Snyder Cut sandwich???” he tweeted, tagging @SUBWAY in the process.
Look, we appreciate the hustle, but we refuse to believe that anyone thought to ask Snyder this question. As this response demonstrates, there’s not even a clever response to be made—one cannot simply say “Superman sauce” without clarifying what ingredients make the sauce Superman-themed. Tomatoes don’t get to be Flash-themed just because they’re red. C’mon, guys.
Not even the sandwich artists at Subway had a good reply. “The sandwich would be in a league of its own, that’s for sure,” they wrote. “We know hope is easy to lose, but if you dig around it’s usually close by. Who has been hoping for the Snyder Cut Sandwich?”
Look, we would love for us to also lose our marbles watching The Irishman-plus-four-minutes-version of Justice League, but if Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot’s can’t ensure the cut’s release, perhaps nobody can. Not even Subway.