Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Stretch Armstrong was born to die. Anyone who has ever had one of these dolls knows that eventually, inevitably, Stretch must be forced beyond his limits. Maybe you want to tie his pliable limbs into knots until it is one knot too many. Perhaps you and a friend each grab a limb and walk in opposite directions, until Stretch can stretch no more. Put him in the freezer and you can cruelly deny him his very nature. All Stretch Armstrongs must serve, all Stretch Armstrongs must die.


Not all Stretch Armstrongs deaths are equal, however, and here we have an Armstrong dying a true Spartan’s death on the battlefield. In the video above—from YouTube’s The Action LabStretch has the misfortune of getting between some metal screws and a powerful neodymium magnet. As explained in the video, the magnet has a maximum pull force of one thousand pounds, its strength increasing with the amount of metal in its field. Stretch is laid atop the magnet, covered in hardware, and then the host attempts to remove him from the magnet. (No, he is not ripped apart by the magnet itself, as the video’s misleading thumbnail image implies.) As the screws increase in number on Armstrong’s nude torso, he slowly but surely succumbs to their piercing force, until he bleeds corn syrup.

R.I.P. Stretch, you are awaited in Valhalla.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club.

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