Photo: Dean Conger (Corbis via Getty Images)

We regret to inform the children of the world that one of their most beloved and innocent expressions of joy is now at an end: No longer are youths riding the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disney World in Orlando going to experience the vicarious joys of auctioning off women as sexual property. You know, kids’ stuff.

Last June, we reported the news that Disney World was planning to revamp the Pirates attraction to do away with the “take a wench for a bride auction” scene, thereby sanitizing the park of any historical suggestion that women have long been treated as property by men. (Save for the real-life couples visiting the park that subscribe to Quiverfull or the many other popular religious sects that preach wives submitting to husbands. of course.) Instead, the wench auction has been re-envisioned, as the Disney Parks Blog reports. Saying it keeps with the spirit of Walt Disney’s directive to “keep moving forward,” in the new scene the “pirate auctioneer now oversees a sale of the townspeople’s most prized possessions and goods. In this scene, the familiar redhead figure has switched sides to become a pirate named Redd, who’s just pillaged the town’s rum supply and has something to say about it.”


Photo: Disney

This goes in tandem with a similar renovation at Disneyland Paris, and the original Disneyland will soon undergo a similar transformation. “Is there anything political correctness won’t take from us?” said the nation’s children through tear-stained eyes. “What’s next? No more Friday nights watching the delightful ‘rick white kid is given a black man as his plaything’ movie The Toy? An end to our weekly enjoyment of racist old Bugs Bunny cartoons? At long last, have you no shame?”


Luckily, Johnny Depp is still present on the ride to warn kids of the dangers of too many scarves.