The Dark Tower

Ever since it got really into extreme snowboarding a few years ago, Sony has been fully committed to the “go big or go home” lifestyle. That’s why the hack from last year was so brutal. Sony couldn’t just give up some private data, it had to give up a ton of hardcore private data. You’ll also notice that Sony executives tend to say “brah” a lot more often than other executives. It’s part of the corporate culture.

Anyway, all of that is a setup to introduce that Sony has announced release dates for a ton of upcoming movies—some of which we haven’t heard about in years. This is the equivalent of Sony puffing out its chest and waving its arms at the other, less extreme movie studios. “Yo, you think you can take me, brah?” it says to Fox or whatever. “We’ll see what you’ve got up on that mountain.” Those poser studios might put out one or two release date announcements at a time, but Sony (via The Hollywood Reporter) just dropped 16 on us.

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First up is Money Monster, starring Julia Roberts and George Clooney, which will be in theaters on April 8 next year. After that is The Shallows on June 24, followed by Paul Feig’s new Ghostbusters on July 15—a week earlier than originally planned. Patient Zero will be unleashed on September 2, and then the Magnificent Seven remake will hit on September 23. Since killing vampires is really hard, a fifth Underworld movie will come out on October 21 of next year. The new announcements are quiet then until December 21, which is when the Jennifer Lawrence/Chris Pratt sci-fi movie Passengers comes out, and then the long-in-the-works Jumanji reboot will be released on December 25.

Things get more exciting in 2017, because apparently the even-longer-in-the-works Dark Tower movie is somehow actually coming out on January 13, even though we’re willing to bet a priceless pair of revolvers made out of Excalibur that it won’t really happen by then. After that—because zombies are also hard to kill—is Resident Evil: The Final Chapter on January 27, and then the much-anticipated(?) Bad Boys 3 on February 17. Edgar Wright’s Baby Driver comes a month later on March 17, and then let’s burn through the rest: Barbie (June 2), video game adaptation Uncharted (June 30), and something called The Lamb on December 8. Finally, Bad Boys 4 will make shit get real on July 3, 2019—assuming Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are still alive.

All of this is on top of release dates we already knew about, including the next Spider-Man solo movie (July 28, 2017), The Equalizer 2 (September 29, 2017), Inferno: Featuring Renowned Symbology Professor Robert Langdon (October 14, 2017), and the animated Spider-Man movie that Phil Lord and Chris Miller are working on (July 20, 2018). “In your face, brah,” Sony says as it does some sweet flips down a mountain on its snowboard.

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