Yesterday, the world was too enthralled by the Sonic The Hedgehog trailer’s most immediately disconcerting visuals to properly digest the whirlwind of information presented in the clip. In the hours following its debut, though, its implications made themselves known anyway. First, we learned that The Libertines’ Pete Doherty suffered a hedgehog attack—obviously a result of the spiky creatures now emulating Sonic’s movie trailer ‘tude—and then, as if that wasn’t enough, hardcore fans surfaced disturbing observations gleaned from the trailer.
We regret to inform you of these findings now: The Sonic trailer shows its nominal hero as not just as a freakish anthropomorphic rodent, but, quite likely, a mass murderer, too.
Fan account Sonic SCANF brought this disturbing attention to light through a series of screenshots detailing the casualties wrought by the blue beast when, as the trailer says, his blinding mutant speed irresponsibly “knocked out power across the entire Pacific Northwest.” Using statistics centered on the region’s most vulnerable population, the original Reddit post examined birth rates and the percentage of babies who require neonatal care to determine that Sonic caused a blackout likely to have ended the life of approximately 491 newborns.
This is an appalling discovery and, naturally, it’s caused a schism among Sonic fans. There are now those who still cling to the idea that the fleet-footed monster is a hero and others whose eyes have been opened to the dreadful truth.
We’re reminded, too, that Sonic’s electronics-destroying speed is not just an occasional thing. This motherfucker has developed an entire personality out of running too fast. He’ll do it over and over again until he’s stopped.
Let this be a lesson: Sonic, like so many other cartoon creatures, does not belong in the real world. From his disgusting teeth and weird legs to the horrific death toll his powers cause, it’s clear that, like the drive-in restaurant chain with which he shares a name, Sonic does more harm than good.
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