Screenshot: Return Of The Jedi (YouTube)

Are you tired of your more learned friends lording their book knowledge over you like some sort of pop-culture-loving rube? Do you often find yourself pivoting conversations away from works of great literature into the safer terrain of a sci-fi film you’ve watched a thousand times? Do you sometimes worry you’re kind of dumb? Well, cast those concerns aside, because some enterprising blogger out there has edited James Joyce’s impenetrable classic Finnegans Wake to be more palatable to the layman. Meaning, of course, that it’s now about Return Of The Jedi.

While only a few paragraphs long, “Finnegans Ewok” perfectly mimics Joyce’s stream of consciousness, idiosyncratic style. The onomatopoetic phrases and portmanteaus are similar to those the author used to phonetically recreate an Irish brogue, but now they’re mixed in with mentions of “ewokky-gods” and “Bygmonster Annakin.” Honestly, we’ll need a modern lit professor to tell us exactly which part of the movie is being described here, but it’s a fun read nonetheless. Here’s the first chunk:

movierun, past new and hopes, from strike of back to bend of jeday, brings us by a commodius lucas of recirculation back to forestmoon and endor.

Sir Kywalker, violer d’amores, fr’over the short stars, had passen-core rearrived from North Dagobah on this side the scraggy isthwamp of yoda Minor to saberfight his penisolate war: nor had topsawyer’s rocks by the Duney Tattoee exaggerated themselse to fraherberts county’s Jabbios while they went doublin their muppets all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to tauftauf thuartspaceoperatick not yet, though venissoon after, had a kidscad buttended a bland old threepeeo: not yet, though all’s fair in Leiaessy, were in-sistie smoochers wroth with twone famromance. Rot a peck of pa’s malt had Jhed or Sithen duelwed by arclight and rory end to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the bewithyouforce.

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And here’s the comparable portion from Joyce:

riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bendof bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back toHowth Castle and Environs.

Sir Tristram, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passen-core rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggyisthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: norhad topsawyer’s rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselseto Laurens County’s gorgios while they went doublin their mumperall the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe totauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venissoon after, had akidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all’s fair invanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe. Rot apeck of pa’s malt had Jhem or Shen brewed by arclight and roryend to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the aquaface.

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So, next time you’re at a fancy cocktail party and find yourself struggling to keep up with a highbrow conversation, just drop a reference to the pivotal role the “Falconmilleniums” played in Finnegans Wake. We doubt anyone will challenge you on it, considering no one knows what the hell that book is about anyway.

You can read the rest of the parody here.

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