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Somebody wrote a hilarious, pitch-black Saved By The Bell script that unravels the Tori Paradox

Screenshot: Saved By The Bell

Chuck Klosterman’s 2003 book Sex, Drugs And Cocoa Puffs caused millennials everywhere to revisit the latter-day episodes of Saved By The Bell, when a leather-clad Tori Scott stepped in for Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano for 10 confusing episodes. Klosterman argues that the Tori Paradox” isn’t so much confusing as it is realistic, as, for many teens, social circles are a fluid thing that see personalities come and go for extended periods of time. A logical explanation, sure, but the generation who grew up on the show have persisted in their desire for concrete answers. Where did Kelly and Jessie go? And why didn’t Tori graduate?

Here with an answer is Dashiell Driscoll, who you may know as the writer and narrator of Funny Or Die’s Zack Morris Is Trash. Drawing upon his deep, abiding love (and hate) of the teen sitcom, Driscoll’s written a Saved By The Bell script that offers a definitive exit for Tori while also explaining Kelly and Jessie’s whereabouts. Moreover, though, the script serves as a hilarious (and incredibly dark) bit of commentary about how its characters remained so aggressively virginal despite being horny all the time.

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Called “The Contest,” Driscoll’s script reimagines the classic Seinfeld conceit—who can go the longest without masturbating—as it would exist among the denizens of Bayside High. Balancing gags from the Seinfeld episode it references with a keen understanding of the dorky, era-specific humor upon which Saved By The Bell operated—I’m still the M.C. of my Hammer,” Slater cracks—Driscoll’s script is satisfying both as parody and satire. Longtime fans will be happy to see pitch-perfect appearances from teachers like Mr. Tuttle and Mrs. Simpson, as well as magical waiter Max and Zack’s gigantic cell phone.

Give yourself a “time-out” and read it here.

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About the author

Randall Colburn

Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.