Photo: Kevin Mazur (Getty Images)

Folks, somebody fucking bit Beyoncé. Who bit Beyoncé? That is the question, and it will not go unanswered.

If you haven’t been following, here’s a quick recap. Yesterday GQ published an excellent, funny profile of the excellent and funny Tiffany Haddish, during the course of which the Girls Trip star shared an anecdote that is used as a means to convey her strange propulsion into the world of super-celebrities. Recapping an Inglewood party after a JAY-Z show, she said:

“There was this actress there,” continues Haddish, keeping her voice low, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.” One of the most things she did? “She bit Beyoncé in the face.” (...)

“So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish says, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! Thisbitch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ”

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The actress continued to annoy Haddish, even, at one point, telling her to stop dancing. So, when JAY-Z and Beyoncé walked by her, Haddish decided to quickly intervene:

Haddish says she told Beyoncé, “I’m going to beat somebody ass at your party. I just want to let you know that.” Beyoncé asked her not to—told her to “have fun” instead. (Haddish leveraged this moment into a selfie with Beyoncé.)

“Near the end of the party,” says Haddish, describing her final run-in with Mrs. Carter sometime later, “Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’ ”

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And, look, you can’t just say some shit like that on the internet and not expect a full-scale investigation to immediately commence. Much of this has taken place in the court of public opinion, but Vulture did a more incisive investigation, taking a look at the various celebrities who could be confirmed as in attendance at that specific afterparty, and then narrowing that down to only four who could be described as actresses. They were: Rihanna, Queen Latifah, Sara Foster (of the most recent 90210), and Sanaa Lathan (an actress who has appeared in a variety of movies, from The Best Man to Contagion). Rihanna and Queen Latifah were generally ruled out as not being crazy enough or on enough drugs to bite Beyoncé, and so the collective eyes of the internet turned to Foster and Lathan. One pities them at this moment.

Further investigations occurred. As Vulture points out, Lathan was definitely at that JAY-Z concert; she tweeted from it. But later she denied any involvement.

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Hm. You don’t get to “love bite” Beyoncé, but whatever. Foster also eventually took to Instagram to offer her own light-hearted denial.

Tiffany Haddish herself also weighed in, just to clear the air: It was not Taraji P. Henson, as a Media Takeout story alleged. Everyone, leave Taraji out of this shit.

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Complicating matters here is Chrissy Teigen, who just sort of shows up in stories like this at this point. She offered a series of insights to the drama which neither confirm nor suggest anything but sort of make everything confusing. Like:

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Then:

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Who does that leave? Who is keeping Teigen silent? Is it Rihanna? Did Rihanna do this shit? Was it Maggie Simpson? Who the fuck bit Beyoncé? There is a 100% chance that someone will eventually fess up to this, or reveal who it was, or perhaps get believably accused of it and then shamed in the public sphere for eternity for this infraction. If you type in the word “Becky” Google autocompletes “with the good hair,” a search which immediately brings exhaustive explorations of who exactly Becky with the good hair was. It was Rachel Roy. And even if it wasn’t Rachel Roy, at this point, it was Rachel Roy.

You do not fuck with Beyoncé and get away with it on the internet. And you definitely do not bite her. This person will be found.

Update, 1:45 p.m.: The Huffington Post, sensing the Red Scare-like tension in Hollywood right now, is trying to work via negative, asking actresses whether or not they bit Beyoncé. So far, none of them have fessed up to it, but we can scratch some beloved actresses off the list:

Jennifer Aniston

“What? I have no idea what this means,” said a spokesperson. After some explanation, the spokesperson replied, “Why in the world would you think Jennifer Aniston would do such a thing? It’s absurd.”

Julie Andrews

“Have no idea what you are talking about,” a spokesperson wrote over email.

Kathy Bates

“I have no clue,” a spokesperson said.

Shirley MacLaine

“No, Shirley did not bite anything. She’s 83 years old, for God’s sake,” a spokesperson said over the phone.

Amy Adams

“Hahaha, NO. So funny that you would ask if Amy Adams did this?” said a spokesperson for Adams.

Jodie Foster

“The article says Sara Foster — NOT Jodie Foster,” a spokesperson said when we sent her The Cut article, which referenced Sara Foster being at the Jay-Z concert.

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Jennifer Lawrence, Frances McDormand, and Charlotte McKinney also denied biting Beyoncé. Interestingly enough, Queen Latifah’s spokesperson only replied “no comment.” Queen Latifah may have bitten Beyoncé.

Update, 11:08 a.m., 3/29/18: Never mind, Queen Latifah probably didn’t bite Beyoncé. Signs are increasingly pointing to Lathan as the biter. TMZ says Haddish has told numerous people, behind closed doors, that it was her, and Vulture says an anonymous tipster indicated that the biter had dated rapper French Montana, which is a thing that is true about Lathan. There’s an added urgency to these investigations, though, as Haddish revealed on an Instagram story that she has apparently signed a non-disclosure agreement about the biting incident. Whether or not this was merely a joke—Haddish also alleged that Stormy Daniels was the biter, and advised viewers to do their taxes in the video—is unclear. It’s all unclear, pretty much, except for the fact that, realistically? Sanaa Lathan may have bitten Beyoncé.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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