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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

So, here's what we know about the convoluted alien plot behind those weird monoliths

Illustration for article titled So, heres what we know about the convoluted alien plot behind those weird monoliths
Screenshot: You News

There are new developments in the case of that strange metal structure discovered in a remote stretch of Utah desert. First up, we know how it disappeared. Second, another one a lot like the original was found in Romania. Lastly, a bunch of theories have been going around regarding where these things came from—and, having looked them over, we can now assert with 100% confidence that every mundane explanation is part of a decoy meant to throw us off our understanding that these structures are clear evidence of an alien plot to overthrow our planet.

Some will point to the story of the Utah monolith’s removal, captured and described on Instagram by Ross Bernards, as evidence that no extraterrestrials were involved. Bernards writes that he saw a group of four men push the monolith over, disassemble it, and take it away on Friday night. One of them said “this is why you don’t leave trash in the desert” while he worked and, as they left, another said, “Leave no trace.” Their motivation seems, on the surface at least, to be a desire not to have crowds of people driving and walking all over a beautiful stretch of landscape.

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In reality, these people were obviously plainclothes G-Men, working under the orders of the Reptilian/Human Coalition to remove the monolith before it could be studied by free citizens who might uncover the secrets of its technology and reverse-engineer that exoscience into weapons allowing us to fight back against the coming invasion.

Fortunately, we still have time to study another monolith. In a video narrated by a robot news anchor (how curious), we’re given information about the second monolith discovered in Romania.

This one is slightly different than the first, but both are obviously crafted by either the spindly fingers of the bulb-eyed greys who toil beneath the command of the Reptilian/Human Coalition or their agent, the late minimalist artist John McCracken. A New York Times article about the Utah monolith describes the reasons why many now think McCracken may have created these structures. While some of those who knew him doubt that these would be McCracken’s work, the artist’s son, Patrick, told the Times that one evening in 2002, “We were standing outside looking at the stars and he said something to the effect of that he would like to leave his artwork in remote places to be discovered later.”

The blind masses of sheeple, ready to be herded into alien holding cells once the invasion takes place, will say that this story explains the monoliths as the result of secretive artistic creations. But, Patrick McCracken also says that his father “was inspired by the idea of alien visitors leaving objects that resembled his work, or that his work resembled” and that his dad “believed in advance alien races that were able to visit earth.”

“To his mind, these aliens had been visiting Earth for a very long time and they were not malevolent,” he adds. “They wanted to help humanity to get past this time of our evolution where all we do is fight each other.”

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All signs, then, point to McCracken having been employed as a hapless tool of the Reptilian/Human Coalition—a utopian thinker who could be persuaded by a hulking alligator-man and his army of little grey servants into believing he was building their works to help usher in an era of peace. We’re more realistic. Having discovered the evidence thus far, we can only conclude that McCracken went rogue at some point, installing monoliths around the globe in hopes of averting the invasion he may have assisted under false pretenses before the horrible truth of the alien plot was revealed to him.

Or, again, this might all be a viral marketing stunt.

[via Vice]

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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