Sisqo in 2006, dialing a mid-'00s butt on his flip phone (Photo: Michael Buckner/Getty)

In 1999, Sisqo released “Thong Song,” an ode to women’s thongs and how much Sisqo would like to see them. Though the sentiment is timeless, the song is now, unfortunately, dated: “Thong Song” captured a markedly pre-Y2K thong, designed for late-20th-century butts. After all, in the era of its debut, artists had only begun to explore the many ways in which butts could clap. Many butts clapped according to a primitive system of pulleys and levers. Meanwhile, perhaps some college dormitories and upper middle-class homes had access to broadband butt-clapping, but most of America still used dial-up. During the 18 years since we first heard “Thong Song,” butt-clapping and the music that celebrates it have seen some incredible advances. Also, Sisqo made the “Thong Song” again.

And now the fruits of those parallel labors—a reworking of “Thong Song” for producer JCY, and for the butts of today—have premiered at Buzzfeed. There Sisqo explains, “I’ve been asked so many times over the years to make a new version of ‘Thong Song’ and I have declined every time.” But those people who are always petitioning Sisqo to make another rendition of “Thong Song”—swarming him in the streets and screaming to please update “Thong Song” for the butts of a new generation, Sisqo, these butts have seen so much already in their lifetimes, including 9/11, and they have their own way of doing things, distinct from the butts of their elders—will at last be given satisfaction.

“I have declined every time until I heard the new version that JCY did,” Sisqo says. “I thought it was dope and figured maybe it was time to put some new rims on the Bugatti.”

Whether this new “Thong Song” becomes a big enough hit to purchase these $800 Bugatti rims on eBay remains to be seen. But conceptually, at least, the 2.0 version of “Thong Song” is already a smash success. There are still thongs, and the 41-year-old Sisqo still wants to see them. There are young women whose dumps remain like trucks and whose thighs persist like what, their indeterminate taints hugged by strips of underwear like wow, this is the future we have long dreamed about. And it has all been tastefully updated with a production that has more of a modern, anesthetized marimba vibe, like an iPhone that can’t help loving dat ass.

There’s also a new video—one that pays respectful homage to the original by also partially taking place at a beach, where Sisqo similarly arrives to let the assembled women know how much he enjoys looking at their butts. However, this time Sisqo keeps his shirt on, in the act of gentlemanly deference that characterizes our more progressive today.

Alas, he doesn’t do any crazy flips this time, something Sisqo remorsefully explains was the result of a perfect storm of setbacks—a “devastating loss in our team” that put a distinctly somber mood over the butt video; a recently sustained injury that left Sisqo with three dislocated ribs; and in “the epitome of insult to injury,” only a couple of hours to learn the choreography, so rushed was the demand to meet that decade-plus of hectoring about when there would be a new “Thong Song” already. Nevertheless, Sisqo overcame those hindrances like a big fat booty straining around an itty-bitty thong, and in both cases, the struggle is what makes it a triumph.

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There’s also a part where a model buys a bag of something called Thong Chips, which are either thong-shaped chips shaped, or chips that thongs eat.

Perhaps you can just shove the chips right up some of today’s modern butts? We haven’t really kept up with TED Talks. Regardless, that part is offered up without explanation. So someone will need to start pestering Sisqo for the next 18 years, until he finally makes a new “Thong Song” that clarifies.

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