Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Sherlock and Doctor Who could get their own theme park rides

Illustration for article titled iSherlock/i and iDoctor Who/i could get their own theme park rides

Paramount Pictures has signed a deal with BBC Worldwide to feature the British network’s shows and characters in a planned U.K .theme park. As part of Paramount’s London Paramount Entertainment Resort, the theme park would have the rights to all of the BBC’s beloved characters and brands, including popular shows like Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Top Gear. While no specific rides have been revealed, we’re happy to speculate about what happy visitors might get to stand in line to see:

  • Top Gear’s Controversial Driving Course: Jetting around the track in souped-up go karts with inflammatory license plates, amateur drivers will have to dodge around obstacles representing the various problems host Jeremy Clarkson’s brand of comedy has created for the series. Meanwhile, drivers will be pursued by the faceless, helmeted Stig, who drags anyone he catches back to his subterranean lair, never to be seen again.
  • Sherlocks Rollercoaster Of Homoeroticism: Fans of the blossoming, tender, and ambiguously erotic love between Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick John Watson will have their hopes slowly brought up by the coaster’s gently rising track, before being plummeted into darkness by dismissive comments from the show’s staff. This cycle is then repeated until whiplash sets in.
  • The Thick Of It Spin Chamber: This is just a small room that spins violently while an angry Scottish man screams “FUCK!” thirty times in your ear.
  • The Offices Haunted House Of Dead Dreams: Audience members will be led through the spooky confines of the Slough branch of paper manufacturer Wernham Hogg, where they will be accosted by dead-eyed holograms of Martin Freeman and Lucy Davis mournfully bemoaning their endless lives of drudgery. American visitors who complain that the ride should be “warmer, more slapstick, and ten times longer” will be captured and musically tortured by David Brent (Ricky Gervais, in permanent residence at the park).

Mocking descriptions of a Doctor Who ride are unavailable, due to a Doctor Who theme park ride being a legitimately awesome idea. The London Paramount Entertainment Resort is set to open in Kent in the U.K. in 2020.

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