Girl, you know you’ve been having that fantasy again. Don’t deny it: You’re sitting there at home in your kitchen, looking at that messy stain from last night’s chicken cacciatore, and thinking to yourself, “God, using cleaning products really makes me want to get my fuck on. Isn’t there a company whose chemical burn also fires up my loins?” Baby, just relax and let Mr. Clean take over. Forget those old live-action versions of a human male you could conceivably have actual intercourse with, sweet thing, and set aside that weird spot from three months ago where Kellan Lutz ”auditioned” to be the new spokescleaner. In a new Super Bowl ad that’s already making panties wet on YouTube, the longstanding symbol of Proctor & Gamble’s foray into cartoon human mascots representing all-purpose cleaners is reminding you ladies just how much mopping floors makes you want to enter the bone zone.
Oh yeah, just look at those tight CGI-rendered buns, thrusting back and forth as he slides that cleaning stick all up in your hardwood floors. Is it getting hot in here? Then better not watch him slowly wipe himself across your glass shower door, a moment sure to shoot right to the top of the Hentai search results in every cartoon porn website. It even ends with a command, not a request: “You gotta love a man who cleans.” So just tape a picture of that gleaming animated scalp to your headboard, or possibly make your man wear a paper bag over his head with bona fide sex panther Clean’s face affixed to it, and take the freshly scrubbed train to pound town, because this call to heterosexual capitalist purchasing power is ready for some hot wet action.