Hopefully Seth Rogen and Michael Moore can learn to subsist by gnawing the picked-over meat of their American Sniper opinions, because they’ll no longer be able to eat reasonably priced sirloin in a sports bar atmosphere in Michigan. Tommy Brann, owner of Brann’s Sizzling Steaks & Sports Grille, has refused to sizzle any steaks or grille any sports for Rogen and Moore, officially banning them from his restaurant over comments they made about the Clint Eastwood film. It’s an edict that makes good on Brann’s accusatory slogan, “It’s About The Food. It’s About You.”
“Chris Kyle is an American hero and what he represents to me is the goodness of America and the people who defend it,” Brann tells The Huffington Post, revealing that he’s just as adept at serving up sizzling hot takes. “The remark was offensive, and if Chris Kyle was still alive, he would handle Michael Moore in a minute.”
While Kyle is obviously not alive to shoot Michael Moore from a distance, Brann has come up with the equally deadly revenge of denying him “decent, better than average, but nothing to rave about” fare delivered through “terrible service” amid “dated and kinda dirty” decor, of the sort that Americans must consume daily to live. Rogen and Moore are hereby condemned to slowly starve to death in the Brann’s parking lot, yearning fruitlessly for Brann’s Classic Onion Straw Loaf, the lights of the sign that illuminates their fatal mistake growing dim in their eyes.
Of course, Seth Rogen will probably try to weasel his way inside anyway, insisting that he actually spells his name with an “E”—that this “Seth RogAn” guy is the one you want. After all, Rogen already tried to weasel his way out of this mess by insisting that he was just remarking on American Sniper’s similarity to the sniper film within Inglourious Basterds, that his comment “was not meant to have any political implications,” and that he has nothing but respect for veterans. Some guys will say anything for Brann’s famous yeast rolls.
Moore, meanwhile, already followed up his own comments about being taught that snipers were “cowards” by saying he was actually thinking about them in the context of Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination, and listing the many, many ways in which he has shown his repeated support of troops and veterans. As a Michigan native, Moore obviously has a vested interest in being able to eat an affordable steak with his choice of blue cheese crumbles or sautéed mushrooms, in a restaurant with “more HDTVs and projection screen [sic] than any restaurant or even sports bar can compete with.” So naturally, he would try to walk it back.
But just as Brann’s is “a casual dining restaurant in a sports bar disguise,” Tommy Brann recognizes that Moore is an enemy of America in a concerned liberal disguise. Moore will just have to settle for eating his steak in an establishment with a laughably smaller number of HDTVs. In other words, he’ll soon wish for a quick, merciful release from one of those “coward” snipers.