Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Self-driving cars are here, and they're hungry for pedestrians

A robot car sits thinking about whether it would like to run over a human caregiver.
Photo: VCG (Getty Images)

Technology has advanced so much that our robots are fast becoming indistinguishable from living beings. We have robot animals tricking flesh and blood creatures into thinking they’re real; we have robot cheerleaders, robot cleaners, and robot factory workers busying themselves with human jobs—we even have robot Schwarzeneggers and robot Spider-men ready to take over the entertainment industry.


It’s only natural, then, that these mechanical usurpers would eventually decide to engage in some of the activities we invented, like, say, getting into completely unnecessary car accidents.

Footage from a Tesla Model 3 safety demonstration in China shows a vision of the future where humans have become irrelevant. The car drives through a parking lot, ready to show off its autopilot braking system for a crowd of spectators. A robotic pedestrian shuffles into its path with weird, jerky leg movements and the car decides to view the figure as a target. It continues right into the pedestrian’s path, smashing the poor bastard into bits. For whatever reason, an easy listening ballad plays over the clip, the singer’s voice gently accompanying the sound of robot destruction and the sight of mechanical limbs flying all over the area around the car.


This is a huge achievement. No longer will human drivers have to recklessly endanger pedestrians. We can offload that responsibility to robots, which have now demonstrated they’re more than capable of making our legs explode without any outside help. Luckily, as Tesla CEO/prolific shitposter Elon Musk claimed this morning, we should have 20 million of these bad boys being put on the road every year by 2030. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a Tesla driving into a human body—forever.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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