Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Screenshot: Kinsey (YouTube)

Alright, kids. Have a seat for just a moment. We have something very important we’ve been meaning to discuss with you. We know you probably have some questions about what you stumble across on the internet from time to time. Everyone does, honestly. It’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but we wanted to take a moment to talk about one particular set of images that you may have seen recently.

Hey there, no need to deny it. It’s really alright. We’re talking about these photos right here:

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You see, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they choose to express themselves through a year-long statistical analysis of their sex lives via a Powerpoint slideshow of bar graphs and pie charts. There are all sorts of ways a couple can do this, starting with some of the more basic data points, like frequency of intercourse per month and who initiates each embrace. But then then there’s some more detailed infographics: time of day, orgasm ratios, positions, and how many times in a calendar year someone utilized a buttplug.

In any case, it’s all completely natural and nothing to be ashamed about. Some people are content to simply enjoy a private, personal act of love between them. Others need to let all us nerds know how great they are at sex. We get it. We’re impressed.

Okay, good talk. Any other questions? “Asian cowgirl?” Yeah, we’ve never heard of that position, either. Have a look on Pornhub and get back to us? We’re at work right now.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.

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