Brad Pitt in True Romance. This is not you, nor will it ever be you, '90s kid.

As the years go by, the body slows down. This is a sad but incontrovertible fact of life. Your organs decay, and the brutal ravages of time weather your once-fair face and body, reducing you to a grimly plodding hominid on a treadmill, trying to lose weight and keep fit in order to stave off the inevitable decrepitude and death. You sweat and toil as Katy Perry’s “Roar” echoes through the gym’s speakers for the 20th time, and you swear vengeance on the scumbag who changed the big television in front of you to CNN Headline News instead of that rerun of Supernatural. (And it was one of the good episodes, too.) But at least you can rest secure in the knowledge that we all go through this process equally, except for the one percenters who can afford human growth hormone and will probably still be running Tough Mudders long after the worms have consumed us.

Only now it turns out we actually don’t all go through the process of trying to stay healthy equally. As Uproxx reports, a new study suggests that science has demonstrated those of us who were kids in the ’90s actually have a tougher time losing weight than our older counterparts who grew up in the ’70s. And in related news, new data suggests that science is a total asshole, because that’s the kind of thing science should have gotten off its fat ass and done something about a long time ago, rather than simply breaking the news to us while trying to keep from bursting into spiteful laughter.


Data from the U.S. National Health And Nutrition Survey collected between 1971 and 2008 offers evidence that, even when controlling for caloric intake and exercise, BMI (Body Mass Index, the thing the doctor uses when he wants to yell at you for eating all those damn Doritos) is 10 percent higher in 2008 than it was in ’71. Professor Jennifer Kuk explains that it doesn’t matter how many reps you’re doing at the gym or how much kale you force down your gullet: There are factors beyond your control keeping you looking like—to quote that jerk, science—a particularly disease-ridden Butterball turkey.

“Our study results suggest that if you are 25, you’d have to eat even less and exercise more than those older, to prevent gaining weight,” said Kuk. “However, it also indicates there may be other specific changes contributing to the rise in obesity beyond just diet and exercise. Ultimately, maintaining a healthy body weight is now more challenging than ever.”


So the evidence is clear: Science is telling us that no matter what we do, we will remain obese, despite our best efforts—or rather, 10 percent more obese than we would’ve been. What’s to blame? GMOs? Stevia? Global warming? Paula Deen? Well, obviously Paula Deen, but what other factors? The fact that we don’t yet know leads to one ineluctable conclusion: Science can go to hell.