Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
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It’s scary to admit, but we really can’t ignore it any longer, folks: A battle for the nation’s very soul is at hand, and we are wholly unprepared for the forces marshaling against us. Evil, self-serving, godless predators have already infiltrated the White House on our watch, whispering deceit into the ears of our weak, impressionable President. We’re talking, of course, about Stephen Miller Jared Kushner Ivanka Trump Mike Pompeo Steve Bannon Rudy Giuliani John Bolton Donald Trump’s “spiritual advisor,” Paula White—the evangelical personification of nails on a chalkboard peddling prosperity gospel trash to her flock in exchange for mansions, private jets, tête-à-têtes with world leaders...and a 2007 Senate investigation into misuse of church donation funds.

And yet, even with White’s history of being the absolute worst is clearly well established, news that she recently prayed for a bunch of hypothetically pregnant sinners to have horrific miscarriages is arguably a new low. Check out this very sincere and pious plea to God:

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You see, divine abortions are apparently okay if said unborn children are demon spawn incubating in the bellies of Satanic whore-succubi. Or something. All we know is that, in between announcing weird-ass battles waged against the animal and “marine” kingdoms, Pastor White declared, “In the name of Jesus, we command all Satanic pregnancies to miscarry right now...We declare that anything that has been conceived in Satanic wombs, that it’ll miscarry, it will not be able to carry forth any plan of destruction, any plan of harm.”

Pretty intense, huh? So what do those with actual Satanic wombs think about White’s hopes? Well, they’re pretty jazzed about it, actually.

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“We were very pleased this weekend to learn that you had recently publicly prayed for God to induce miscarriages in Satanic pregnancies,” co-founder and spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, Lucien Greaves, wrote in an open-letter. “At a time in which Satanists have had to fight desperately to retain their bodily autonomy in the face of increasingly restrictive anti-abortion laws, we are glad that your ‘logic’ must necessarily lead you to support unrestricted abortion access for Satanists seeking to end unwanted pregnancies!”

Greaves then goes on to politely note that, statistically-speaking, over half of all abortions in the United States are undertaken by Christians, with another 38% from nonreligious women, and about 8% from someone affiliated with a non-Christian faith. “So it is especially forward-thinking of you to single out Satanists as deserving of expressing the reproductive freedoms they champion,” continues Greaves in expressing their heartfelt gratitude.

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In closing, Greaves suggests Pastor White put her obscene amounts of money where her mouth is by donating $5,000 to The Satanic Temple—0.1% of her estimated net worth, they note—to fund approximately 10 demon-baby abortions.

(via Daily Dot)

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Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.

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