The last time adult film star and unlikely topic of high-level political debates Stormy Daniels appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, she was still bound by the various non-disclosure payments and other legal considerations surrounding her alleged affair with now-president Donald Trump. Things are . . . different now. As Daniels, appearing on Tuesday’s show explained, “I have less beeps to give.” Daniels censored herself there, although clearly she hadn’t come to Kimmel’s show with the idea of holding much else back. So much so that Kimmel’s first guest, Emmy-winning American Horror Story queen Sarah Paulson asked Daniels if she could stick around for what she, Kimmel, and Kimmel’s eager audience knew was coming. You know, what with Daniels’ Trump-heavy memoir Full Disclosure a best seller and Trump’s hush-money fixer Michael Cohen likely headed for prison.
Daniels, who’s claimed to have received death threats from video game fans over her comparison of Donald Trump’s penis to Mario Kart character Toad (and who’s received a flood of actual death threats, insults, and sexist smears from partisan assholes from Twitter to Fox News to the White House), was unfazed by the attention from Kimmel, as he pressed for her NDA-free details of the encounters with Trump. Paulson, alternating between sisterly empathy and horrified glee at the squirmiest of the details, listened intently as Daniels revealed how she told Trump to change out of his presumptuous choice of Hugh Hefner silk pajamas attire when he answered the door (Paulson gave the OK sign of approval), and how the actual act involved her closing her eyes “and praying for death.”
Kimmel, who came prepared with a tray of various-sized carrots for Daniels to compare last time, refined his smirky prop comedy in line with Daniels’ book, with an array of differently shaped mushrooms (modeled in orange, naturally) for her to peruse. After picking what she says is the appropriate simulacrum (not the smallest, but pretty close), Kimmel prayed to god that Trump was watching. (Especially after Daniels ordered Kimmel to stand and receive a simulated spanking the likes of which she claims she gave to Trump. With a magazine with his face on it.)
As to the whole sordid sideshow of an adult film star happily telling secrets about her sexual exploits with a now-president, at least Daniels, whose forthrightness about herself, her career, and her sexuality throughout has been admirably unashamed, seems to be enjoying at least some measure of revenge for how she’s been treated by the press, and by a then-married man cheating on his current First Lady immediately after she’d just given birth. And, since Donald Trump spent his Tuesday mocking sexual assault survivor Christine Blasey Ford to a rally’s-worth of guffawing yahoos in order to cram through an accused sex criminal Supreme Court pick who promises to curtail women’s rights, one can only hope the sight of two women (“It’s a nubbin!,” cried Paulson delightedly), one late-show host, and an audience of millions laughing at the supposed size and shape of his adulterous genitalia at least smarts as much as a swat with a magazine. With his face on it. Ew.