Fulfilling his promise to surround himself with “only the best and most serious people,” Donald Trump assembled the Algonquin Roundtable of our age by asking Sarah Palin to “bring a couple friends” to visit him, an invitation Palin responded to by pulling out her “famous conservatives” Rolodex and pointedly scrolling right past Scott Baio. That left Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, who joined the two reality-star politicians in the White House for an evening of stimulating conversation, fine dining, candid photos, and causing an ineffable hollowness to take root within the chests of millions who looked at this collective of proudly anti-intellectual, gun-loving, folksy aphorism-spewing, sentient beer koozies blazing their shit-eating grins from behind the desk of the Oval Office and realized that whatever white-hot rage they had once felt had been cauterized, leaving behind only an ashen crater of numbness.
The guests dined on Baked Alaska, and fucking hell, it is literally Day 90.
In a blog post on her official website, Palin—who narrowly missed working in the White House herself because American despair had not yet become suicidal—documented her “special evening” spent among “great Americans who are independent, hardworking, patriotic, and unafraid [sic] share commonsense solutions.” She also noted that, when asked why she’d invited Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, she joked, “Because Jesus was booked,” a wholesome jest tinged with apocalyptic portent that was received with hearty, mirthless laughter by all those for whom it is just sinking in that this is it, this is our life now. These are the images that will fade into the sepia-toned newsreel of our memory, forever enshrining this talking novelty sweatshirt and the nation’s finest purveyors of music to skip child support payments to as part of American history.
While Palin didn’t elaborate on the “commonsense solutions” that she, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent were so unafraid to bellow inarticulately at a president as he was silently, inwardly convincing himself that this is the kind of glamorous, A-list company he always aspired to when he was relentlessly chasing celebrity at any cost, presumably they were of a piece with Rock’s established political platform of selling “Dumbfuckistan” T-shirts, Nugent’s frequent calls for killing ”subhuman mongrel” President Obama, and her own deeply held beliefs that if you just keep saying things that vaguely rhyme and throw lots of “hecks” and “gosh darns” in there and keep bringing up God, anyone who points out that you’re a fucking babbling idiot who’s barely qualified to offer solutions to a Sudoku puzzle can be written off as a hateful, liberal elitist cuck.
Nugent did expand on the dinner menu in a post to his Facebook followers, where he said he had an “incredible lobster salad and lambchops! UltraYUM!” He also hinted that he was armed, and compared his White House visit to the start of the Revolutionary War, crowing, “Well well well looky looky here boogie chillin’, I got your Shot Heard Round The World right here in big ol greazyass Washington DC where your 1 & only MotorCity Madman WhackMaster StrapAssasin1 dined with President Donald J Trump at the WhiteHouse to Make America Great Again! Got that? Glowing all American over the top WE THE PEOPLE gory details coming ASAP!! BRACE!”—all as a very tired populace just resolved to stop looking at the internet if it’s going to make them feel like this. They don’t need to know everything. What good does it do them? It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change anything.
Probably should turn off CNN push notifications and just delete the Twitter app too. Probably should just go ahead and do that.
The group also took time way from discussing how to make the most of their hard-won victory and how best to serve those who had graciously conferred the awesome responsibility of leadership upon them by taking some smirking photos in front of a portrait of Hillary Clinton, a woman whom Nugent once called a “worthless bitch” and “toxic cunt” before saying she should be hanged. The photo is like a glimpse into a dark mirror universe, only, no, it is the one we inhabit now. It’s the one where Hillary Clinton is mocked as a sad reminder of a quickly forgotten past by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock.
As you might expect, the social media reaction was swift, with plenty of people drawing joking comparisons between Trump’s Putin connections and that old SNL line about Palin seeing Russia from her house, and…
No, you know what, I’m not going to embed any tweets. I’m going to put this article on the internet and then go take a walk around outside for a while, maybe look at the water or something. Just close it up and go think about nothing.
Anyway, given the recent push to have Kid Rock run for Senate and now this historic summit, they may as well start sandblasting Mount Rushmore right now and so they can give Jefferson a big ol’ camouflage cowboy hat, because fuck it, that’s where we are now.