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Sam Bee tells journalists to stop euphemizing dick Brett Kavanaugh's dick

Photo: Anthony Zaccone (Full Frontal/TBS)

Late in her Wednesday Full Frontal piece on the newest allegations that the GOP’s favorite Supreme Court justice was/is the slurring, lurching, lecherous embodiment of misogynist white privilege that’d be too on-the-nose for a direct-to-steaming National Lampoon movie, Sam Bee showed a clip of Ted Cruz telling her to calm down. Not smart, Ted, as Bee—whose meticulously delivered disgust concerning purported sex monster and actual right-wing rage-monster Brett Kavanaugh has burned hot before—asked the ever-smug, “always the before photo” Cruz (R-TX), “Oh, should I . . . let the anger go? Should I calm down? Should I smile more?” Bee added that “as long as an alleged sexual assaulter is ruling about laws on my body, I remain vexed.” Pretty restrained for Bee when confronting an unctuous human smirk telling her and other women to just get over the fact that the newest member of the highest court in the land has just had a new book written about his (alleged) history of sexual assault, although, to be fair, she did come out of Cruz’s clip with a succinct, “Shut the fuck up, bitch.”

That’s more Bee-like, and, apart from these new accusations against Kavanaugh (now one of two barely-confimed GOP Supreme Court selections with serious questions about sexual harassment/assault), Bee turned her ire on those media types whose mealy-mouthed gentility or outright bad-faith enabling (or both) continue to soft-pedal the Kavanaugh story. There’s Fox News (sorry, “News”), of course, whose cadre of smug propagandists, like Cruz, adopt a “You lost, get over it” stance in the face of emerging details of yet another woman coming forward with widely corroborated tales of li’l Brett Kavanaugh being a drunken sex-creep. But, you know, that’s their job propping up the woman-hating pillar of a teetering lawless regime and all. Bee was more pissed at The New York Times for giving Fox’s barking heads ammunition by initially fudging one element of the story—and for sending out one of the most tone-deaf tweets promoting their Kavanaugh story in Twitter history. (Which is saying a lot.)

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She also had strong, direct, and non wishy-washy words for those in the non-Fox media who keep approaching the story of a future Supreme Court justice allegedly careening through Yale with his cock perpetually out by harumphing over the salient details like a 1950s dad explaining where babies come from. “You’re the news, just say ‘penis,’” exclaimed Bee, adding that the oft-used euphemism “genitalia” makes it sound even worse (“like a rat king of dicks”), an that “crotch” isn’t any better, since it carries inevitable associations of moistness. Ew. Noting that it’s been a full year of dealing with these allegations against Kavanaugh, and that the FBI’s suspiciously limited investigation thereof negates Cruz’s assertion that “the American people” judged the judge not guilty, Bee, calling a dick a dick, pronounced alleged sexual assaulter Brett Kavanaugh—wait for it—a dick.

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Dennis Perkins

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Danny Peary's Cult Movies books are mostly to blame.