Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Saddle up, y'all! The QAnon "Patriot Roundup" conference trailer is here and you have to see it to believe it

Ugh.
Ugh.
Photo: BRIDGET BENNETT/AFP (Getty Images)

Well, howdy there, pardners! Are you a God-fearin’, gun-totin’, Pelosi-loathin’ American absolutely certain the Democrats, journalists, and Hollywood celebs are a bunch of Satanic pedophile socialists deriving wealth, health, and power from drinking baby blood? Do you also reside in the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area? Well then come on down next month to the “For God & Country Patriots Roundup” for a weekend full of Trump cronies, disgraced military personnel, right-wing social media D-listers, and people who once got a vague, passing shoutout from Don Jr. via Twitter.

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Still on the detainment camp fence about making the trek? Ain’t no problem, slim! We’re sure this here promo video will make up your mind for you. Saddle up!

Woo boy! Don’t that just look like a hoot-and-a-half? And in case you didn’t notice, a bunch of folks got on little Photoshopped cowboy hats in the video, because Texas!

For just $500, you can sit in the same gaudy event hall as such rootin’ tootin’ opportunists as Sidney Powell, Gen. Michael Flynn, and even Allen West. “Who in tarnation is Allen West,” you ask? Well, he just so happens to be the Texas GOP Chair. Yup, that’s right—you could get the chance to munch on lukewarm hotdogs (NOTE: limit one per attendee) right next to the overseer of one of the country’s most powerful Republican blocs as he attends a literal conspiracy theorist hoedown.

...Sorry, that’s an oversimplification of the situation. It will cost $1000 to meet people like West and that woman who owns the hair salon where Nancy Pelosi was spotted not wearing a mask. $500 just gets you through the swinging saloon doors.

The “For God & Country Patriots Roundup” is set to begin next month over Memorial Day Weekend, so pack your bags and kiss the few remaining family members who still speak to you before hitting the dusty trail to Dallas. When registering, just be sure you’re signing up via the official Roundup website instead of accidentally adding your name to this ever-growing petition of concerned citizens who would prefer their tax dollars not go to support a deadly, chauvinistic personality cult. Yeehaw!

Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).