Hey, here’s a surprise: Westboro Baptist Church—those earthbound servants that the Lord hath chosen to stand outside funerals yelling “God hates fags!” at bereaved family members—are now gearing up to protest Ronnie James Dio’s memorial service, because he was an evil Satan-lover whose misguided fans deserve to know that “you who worship that old Serpent, Satan, that your time is very short.” (Like, 67 years of Satan-worshipping, max.)
In addition to the picket (which takes place the day before the annual, Memorial Day-disrupting protest at Arlington National Cemetery, where they’ll do the same for the “Anti-Christ Beast Obama… who demands that this nation’s ‘heroes’ go to heaven…because he hates you”), Dio’s death has also inspired one of the church’s famed, always-fun-at-parties parody songs, “You’re Going Straight To Hell On A Crazy Train.” (Poor Dio. Even in death, he’s overshadowed by Ozzy Osbourne.)
As to what, exactly, Ronnie James Dio did to earn his place among the eternally damned and inarticulately yelled-at, the Church provides this “list of admitted sins of this now dead and in hell pervert,” the mere scoffing at which only secures your own place roasting on Satan’s doner skewers:
1) He hates his neighbor(s) starting with Ozzy Osbourne.
2) He hates God. Pay especial attention to the fact that he changed his original sir name from Padanova to Dio, which means "God" in Italian.
3) Ronnie the simpleton enabled, and encouraged Sorceries: everything he was about including the little finger horn thing (he got this from his mother which is an incantation to ward off the "evil eye") to the drugs, bloody raw meat and his fellowship with those pentagram necklace wearing freakish band members.
Indeed, those who spend their lives hating their neighbors, perverting the word of God, and enabling other simpletons truly do deserve to burn in Hell. (Or, you know, at least spend their mortal lives being ruthlessly mocked as the fundamentalist version of Internet trolls they are.)